Posted by Wendy B. on October 12, 2001, at 21:21:19
In reply to Re: mixed state or lack of discipline?, posted by sar on October 12, 2001, at 12:36:41
Sar,
are you in denial? i ain't no doctor but:
> hello again... :)
>
> Noa, how would i go about checking the hormonal angle. do you mean too much of a certain hormone, and which might it possibly be?
we talked about hormones already this week. some suggested depo-prov others suggested 'the pill.' i think this is the hormonal connection, if i read noa's comment right. you were having suicidal pms, that's a hormonal problem. you need to ask about this, we established this a few days ago.> Roo & Judy, a bunch of docs have wanted to put me on depakote, "the gold standard," one said, but i read about potential hair loss/ weight gain (i know the hair-loss can be helped with zinc and selenium) and had a thread over on PB about depakote versus neurontin, and i got a well-educated suggestion that i try neurontin before a "big gun" like depakote...i'm going to ask for an increase in neurontin next week, and possibly more klonopin. sometimes i forget to take my nightly dose of K, and take an extra the next day...i *really* like those days.
sar, i respect your desire to go with the smallest gun, neurontin. it needs to be upped, period, if that's what you want to stay on. maybe the prozac should come down, if possible.
this part, though, kills me --
> re: bipolarity...it's all up in the air. i've never experienced mania, but before i was medicated (around this time last year) all i could do was lie in bed and cry, and then at night i'd jump up at get dressed up and drink a whole lot and lure someone back to my room...i drove my car as fast as it would go, i drank wine and went to a range to shoot pistols and shotguns...only somatic things mattered, i was sick of books and conversations, i just felt like screaming crying shouting laughing eating drinking fucking, those were the only important things...i had a loan from my parents to pay off some bills but i thought it would be better used on sexy clothes and bar tabs (but i was also going through a break-up, i might pin alot of this behavior on that).if this wasn't a perfect description of manic or at least heavy hypomanic behavior, i don't know what is. sorry to be blunt. i think you're blocking something when you say you've never been there. you have been manic. please consider carefully what you're inviting if you don't own up to your symptoms:
racing around, ruining yourself with booze (it's a very common co-morbid symptom), screwing impulsively and without protection, shooting guns. then being admitted to a hospital for a suicide attempt, where they said you should be on depakote. getting caught driving dwi. getting sentenced for it. paying a fine. being on parole for *years.* (i.e. 'trouble wth the law'). in short, everything you could have done to get just a hair's breath from your own death, overdose, HIV, or killing others in the accident, etc.remember the thread months back, where a guy you knew did himself in overdosing on H? or was it accidental overdose? you thought this guy's method was 'classy,' you admired him. we had a pretty long, extended conversation about suicide, that's when we first became friends. i respected you and liked you, and still do, very much. talking about suicide is itself a symptom of bipolar illness. flirting with death...
> finally when all of my friends hated me and i was broke i tried to kill myself and then i moved home.
ok, a suicide attempt. another symptom, the big kahuna. that's why they wanted you on depakote.
> my dad's aunt is BP I, she's such a hoot, i love her...my dad says that one of her symptoms is "inappropriate laughter," which i could be accused of...but maybe i just have a weird sense of humor? depression runs in my family, my dads side favored ECT and my mom's side chooses alcohol and drugs. suicide is popular on both sides.i dunno, but it makes it clear to me, at least, that the diagnosis the hospital gave you is confirmed. it runs in families, and your family history of the illness is there, it's plain. your parents abused you terribly. your dad's family was treated with ECT, that tells us they had at least unipolar depression. drinking on your mother's side is a co-morbid symptom, so score another two points there. you cannot stop drinking, another few points.
> i think i'll up my dose of neurontin before trying anything more serious...because i don't think i'm BP I, i've never felt like i was on top of the worldthe symptoms aren't *only* feeling like uber-super-woman... there are many more.
>or had special powers or things to do for the worldagain, this god-like feeling about oneself is a single symptom of many on the list for hypo- or regular mania. you have many of the rest.
>i had a tiny hypomanic episode coming off effexor, but it lasted less than a day.
can you say what that felt like to you, how was it different from the behavior you describe above?
> often in high school i'd have the feeling that i just needed to leave right then, sometimes smoking a coupla cigs in the restroom temporarily did the trick, but other times i'd just ride the city bus home in the middle of the day.sounds like what happened the other day when you got sick at work.
>the truancy officers hauled me and my parents in. (rules rules...bleh...)
>
> how does it FEEL to be bipolar II?
i think, from reading and talking about it with shrinks and sufferers, and as a bipolar I, the symptoms are the same for both. in essence, it's a matter of severity, from hypo-mania all the way through to full-blown, psychotic mania.
> sorry to ramble on...
>
> thanks again, everyone...
maybe you can't accept the diagnosis because it pegs you, puts you in a box. that's how i felt when i was diagnosed, i was knocked over with the news. i cried and carried on. friends on Psychobabble told me to relax, the diagnosis isn't a fate, you can get better, etc. now i just see it as a box the dr checks on my records (the DSM code), so the insurance knows what to pay and what not to pay, so i can get meds...but later, the dx helped me understand myself better, helped me interpret past behaviors, and relationships with friends and family members. some were not so pleasant to dredge up. i felt horribly guilty about things i had done, etc. i realized my absent father must have passed it on to me, his behavior was drunk and messy and irresponsible.
accepting the dx is like knowing when to call a spade a spade.
(for susan too, with her dictionary handy:) from there, it's just a short step to knowing when to call a spade a f___ing shovel.
i'll stop now. let me know if there's anything i can do to help, my thoughts are with you...
W.
poster:Wendy B.
thread:12411
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011006/msgs/12461.html