Posted by sar on September 24, 2001, at 21:31:32
In reply to what are words? do they matter?, posted by sar on September 24, 2001, at 1:32:17
dear all,
i think that until my new friend said "rape" i'd just taken the experience as part of my nihilistic spacey anything-goes repertoire...i've made drunk mistakes in the past, but this was the only situation in which my mind played tricks on me and my body did not move; this wasn't sex that felt good by any stretch of the imagination, it was just something that happened. i was much drunker than the bum, also being in the house again may have brought up some emotionalism--it was burned to a charcoal-crisp and i lost all of my belongings, uninsured.
i don't consider myself "raped." i think that i was probably at such a fuct-up point in my life that i'd truly lose myself regularly, lose all sense...after i had been f*cked by that guy, i bought more beer, drunk drove home, and tried to hang myself 'round 11 the next morning. i was a living ghost. i didn't try to stop him, fight him off...i don't remember what i thought except that i was doing whatever happened in an effort to *experience*...
it's kind of weird, i've just gotten off work and read all these posts that i appreciate so much, yet i was drunk enough last night to not remember at all today that i'd posted this until now! i just had to ask, i suppose, it's a crazy topic.
i wasn't sexually abused as a child as far as i know, though i have weird sexual dreams and i was a pretty sexually precocious kid (like at age 6). the abuse i endured mostly consisted of repeated neglect, verbal abuse, whipping hitting kicking slapping pushing hair-pulling etc...and yes, it was my parents.
today the temperature dropped to 'bout 70-80 degrees or so and my neurontin comfy-ed in even more, and i felt great. i *do* feel great. i feel so good i feel like i just took a tab of exstacy and am waiting for it to kick in. i don't expect for the mood to heighten, but today is...i've not felt so good in a long time.
i don't think i was raped. i think the guy took advantage of the situation (mentally ill drunk girl looking at charred remains)...i chalk it up to my illness, how i lose myself at my sickest...
thanks so much for your understanding. i really appreciate it.
kisses to Las Chicas,
sar
poster:sar
thread:11709
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11743.html