Posted by Wendy B. on September 21, 2001, at 0:56:39
In reply to Wendy, posted by Cam W. on September 20, 2001, at 19:03:16
> Wendy, all you have to do is keep looking. Jobs turn up in the strangest places. - Cam
>
well, shit, cam, if that was all i had to do, then i would've fur shure found one by now...seriously, though, thanks for starting a thread (named after moi) that has to do with work... i know there've been others on PSB, but we needed a new one. i'm glad to hear your story - what twists and turns! susan is right that you make a deposit into the bank, and can then later withdraw some too. if you hadn't been so kind to the mom, you might not have all the opportunities you have today. it's a very heartening story. i wish you well in the new store...
i actually have 2 PT jobs, not in my field. but have been in such a slump that i have had trouble keeping my ol' nose to the grindstone, with sending out resumes and other assorted well-known ways to get a Real Job, one where i will get paid somewhere near what i was getting at the last Real Job. i have avoided it for a year, since being fired for insubordination (ever notice how many insubordinates there are on this board?). must've been the undiagnosed BP I, but i have to say in my defense, that my ex-boss would've been the raving lunatic (sorry for the language) i thought she was, even if i *had* been on the meds i'm on now.
so i was on unemp insurance for 6 months, the benefits ran out... i tried to start up my own business, but it was short-lived. i was in a terrible financial mess, until i started substitute teaching in the local schools, and that kept us afloat (me and daughter) for a while. summer sucked, did jobs for cash or trade, paid bills with Geo Bush's tax cut $.
now am subbing again, in addition to having a wonderful but horribly low-paying job at a local vineyard. the labor is tough on weekdays, weekends i pour wine for tastings and meet all sorts of nice people, and get a 30% discount on the wines (good thing i don't have an alcohol problem...) the tendency to romanticize the work is strong, but it is overcome when i take a look at my paycheck each week... i owe the landlord a cool thousand. i will get an eviction notice tuesday, i think. i am looking desperately for another apt, but everyone needs a deposit, and first and last months rent. i can't come up with that kind of cash...
last week's events in NY and DC drove me right into the ground, my mood fell just like the towers. i thought it would be best if i just gave in to all my self-destructive leanings, and did something drastic, like drive my car into a wall at 60 mph. then i think of my daughter, and realize i could never leave her to her crazy OCD father, the thought of that keeps me from doing anything self-destructive.
i have a lead on a tech job, a friend who works there is going to give my resume a flag... can't believe i'm saying this but i am desperate to work another 9 to 5 job! yea! hooray! i swore i wouldn't go back to that world, but the eviction threat weighs too heavy. the only way i can make enough to put food on the table (aside from food stamps) is to do what everyone else does. until my novel is bought by Simon & Schuster, of course...
i fear for my hard-won 'sanity.' i was happy when i was here alone in the house. so i will become a drone again, a worker-bee. i watched people on the sidewalk today at 5:00, streaming out of their offices after a good day's work, and envied them their stability. i wish i belonged. at the same time, i feel hatred toward the system that keeps us all tethered to offices and jobs that we don't like, but have to go to anyway, because we've got to have our cars and 401K's and savings accounts with 6 months' salary, etc., etc. arrrgghhhh...
i regret not getting my ph.d. when i had the opportunity, but then i'd be an academic, and i don't want to be one of *those.* i denegrate everything that i wish i were. i want to write, but feel paralysed most of the time. *although* i actually got some work done today on an article i'm writing on AD/HD for the local paper, interviewing a local expert (MD), who was very kind and encouraging. i'd like to write more things like that, eventually, but i have to finish this one first, and one of my discoveries in researching this topic is that it's sooooo hard for me to finish anything. and i wonder about my own inattentiveness, my flitting from interest to interest, my inability to stay focused and on task... my devil-may-care attitude toward landing a job that would actually keep my household afloat. my unconcern about all the debt i'm in... i wasn't worried at all until last week, and then something broke, reality struck, we're at war, i'm in a mess.
today i felt more focused, however, than i have in some time. took all my meds on a very tight schedule, i think that helps. so maybe it'll all be alright. "every day is a winding road" (sheryl crow). i have my up days and my down days. hardly ever two days in a row the same thing...
sorry for the whining. i wish i could say something more positive right now. it's late, too, and i teach tomorrow, and i can't seem to crawl to bed before 2:00 or 3:00 any day for weeks. this doesn't help the depression, i know...
take care, Cam, and thanks for writing to me, you're a peach!
W.
poster:Wendy B.
thread:11634
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11644.html