Posted by Greg A. on August 16, 2001, at 10:58:02
In reply to Re: my bags are packed, I am ready to go, posted by Kingfish on August 15, 2001, at 17:49:07
It’s all about communicating isn’t it? At various points in marriages the communication fails. I mean you talk about where the kids have to be and who will pick them up and how much this camp costs and whose friend wants to stay over. But you don’t really talk to your partner. And you change without letting the other person in on it. (and vice versa) What you may have once thought important and made a big part of your life no longer is, or is moved to the back burner. One or the other of the partners may have problems. Alcohol and depression seem to be featured here. But I think, maybe, a lot of the problems have to do with the pressure and demands of a family. For example – I feel trapped in my job. I have a good professional position and have been doing much the same thing for twenty plus years. I hate most of it and yet I am not free to chuck it and try something else. At least I don’t feel I can jeopardize the foundation of the family. Reminds me of Marie’s comment about pursuing our ‘selfish’ wants.
If you go to long without communicating, you forget how. Or it becomes something to be avoided because it raises so many touchy issues. I mean how do you politely say to your spouse ‘I’m sorry but I really don’t find you attractive any more’. Not a good basis for discussion. So you avoid the topic.
I have thought of going to a marriage weekend through the church as well. I am usually very uncomfortable in such situations which is part of why I haven’t signed up but the other part is I am really not sure what I want out of it. Do I want to stay married? If that basic commitment is not there, then how can I go through a weekend of trying to save my marriage? I know – I should do it and see if some of the issues are resolved despite my fears, but it makes a great excuse to do nothing.
My wife told me the other day that she is tired of being shut out and is very lonely. I am not very social and she is. I keep things to myself too much as well. I didn’t respond to her admission but yesterday afternoon I decided to try something. Since I seem to be able to write about my thoughts and emotions much more easily that directly talking about them – I wrote her a letter. Of course I didn’t just want to mail it to her so I phoned her from work and asked her to meet me for coffee. I let her read the letter and then she talked more about what was bothering her and how some of what I had written helped her understand my feelings. As usual I didn’t say much. But it helped. She felt better and so did I. A very slow start to communicating, I suppose, but better than nothing. Much better.
Sorry for the long personal story. But what you guys have said made me think.
“All my bags are packed . . . “ Leavin’ on a Jet Plane” (Peter, Paul and Mary and recently re-done by someone or other that my daughters listen to)
poster:Greg A.
thread:8862
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010812/msgs/9713.html