Posted by mgrueni on August 9, 2001, at 15:48:37
In reply to Acute Anxiety about being Alone! Help please!!, posted by AMenz on August 9, 2001, at 11:28:51
< I have always had acute anxiety about being alone....It is so intense that it's lead me to terrible relationships. I experience it as a severe anxiety (it feels like GAD) coupled with a lot of obsessing about being alone in old age. Etc. How does one cope with it. >
Hi there.
First let me apologize in advance... I am a *foreigner*, so my english might sound funny to your ears. :o)However, you have a problem. Let`s see, if we can bring a little light into the darkness.
You are scared of being alone. You rather stay with someone who`s not good for you, than being alone. Hmmmm....exactly what I did 8 years ago, for the same reasons. After 5 years of a dreadful relationship, I ended up being nearly shot by that guy. Yes, with a gun.
Not a nice experience, but guess what happened? I split up with him, but was not alone for long. What followed was about half a dozen *short and painful* other relationships. It seemed, I just did not want to learn of my experiences. I got used to being *dependent* on someone, because that seemed better than being alone. It took me many years to finally understand, what my problem was. I am *mentally* ill, I am very emotional and romantic (but show that only occasionally to others). So, my illness makes me weak sometimes and I need a shoulder to cry on. My being emotional and romantic is part of me. A part, which needs to be satisfied, just as the need to eat, if you feel hungry. I was on that quest for many years (and sometimes still am) , knowing I missed something in my life, but had no idea *what* is was. And that is, in my opinion, your problem, too. You think, it`s the fear of being alone, which makes you feel dissatisfied and anxious. But, what if this anxiety is making you blind for your real needs?
Do you know, in this moment, what you feel? Are you aware of what`s going on around you? Do you feel that your neck and eyes are aching? (hey, get up from your chair and make yourself a coffee, this post is going to be very long, I am afraid) ;o)I bet, you don`t *feel* yourself. And that`s probably the point. Thinking about a possible horrible future occupies all your time. And now tell me, how can you ever satisfy your needs, if you don´t know *what* you need?
The first step, for me, was to notice my emotions. It`s not easy and takes sort of *meditation*. I use to imagine myself as an author, who`s writing a story. "She woke up from a terrible nightmare and tried to remember what happened in it. Ah yes, she thought, there was this monster which haunted me. Now, realizing that it was just a dream, she felt a little better and decided a cup of coffee would do her good......" And so on. I *watch* myself, doing things, thinking about something. Normally, we are not aware of these almost automatically actions (like making a coffee) or the thoughts, which going round in our head. We are used to think *unconsciously*. This might work for *healthy* people (but I doubt that, to be honest) but, if you are suffering from depression...
A friend of mine once put it like this:
"Welcome on board passengers, our speed is 1000 thoughts per minute, enjoy the flight as long as you can, because we are going to make a crash landing"
But, thoughts have a bad habit. They tend to affect your emotions, even if you don`t notice them. So, first step:
slow down the speed, just stop and *watch*.
Second step:
Accept what you see, when watching yourself.If you suddenly realize that you feel desperately lonely, then stop for a moment, and just accept it.
"I feel desperatly lonely".
Ok, now you *articulated* your emotions. Stop again, and watch the next thought as it`s popping into your mind. Maybe this next thought is: "I wish I was with someone. Someone to hold me".
So, now you are aware that there is a *desire* inside your heart, which causes you a feeling of unease. Given, right in this moment, there is no-one to hold you. Damn it, what now? The desire is still there, and it wants you to satisfy it. Ok, we need to think of a solution for this problem. (It`s nothing more than that, just a temporary problem which you have right in this moment as it makes you feel bad). Ok now, search your mind. Which options do you have? (I don`t know them, now it´s your turn) :o)I am sure, you can think of several possible things to do. Next step:
Select the 3 best of them, and then try them out. Again watch your emotions, while you`re doing that.This *suggestions* are definetly not the patent solution for your problems. It`s just meant to be an interesting new experience. A little adventure, which possibly makes you learn more about yourself and how to deal with your emotions and needs. The *trick* is, you`ll learn to live in the moment, instead of worrying yourself silly about a future that you don`t know. Every thought, every emotion, every problem is just temporary. Once you managed to get rid of a problem (even if it´s just for the moment, and might come back to annoy you later again), be proud of you, enjoy that feeling. Maybe you`ll learn that you are not always dependent on others, as well. Maybe you`ll learn that you *can* deal with being alone if you have no other choice. Maybe this certainty of your inner strength (and you have it, I am sure) makes your greatest fear fade away by time.
Worth a Try? :o)PS: if you decide to try it, and it doesn`t work at the first time... don´t be too disappointed. It`s a *game* to play, if you have nothing better to do in that moment. If it doesn´t help you instantly... at least it could be fun to act completely differently from your normal way to deal with things.
Saw "dead poet`s society"? Great! There`s so much truth in it :o)All the best,
< and sorry for that very long post...;o) >Micha
poster:mgrueni
thread:9044
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010807/msgs/9062.html