Posted by caroline h. on July 12, 2001, at 23:42:39
In reply to Re: Sexual fantasies and shrinks » sar, posted by judy1 on July 9, 2001, at 3:10:14
> Hi Sar!
> My shrink just told me I'm manic, he said whenever I start talking about having sex with him, I'm manic. I guess it's pretty clear cut although I don't feel manic just sexual, so who knows?
> Anyway, I do see him for therapy and meds (1and 1/2 years now- good guess) and I feel like I can say anything to him (or as you put it be brutally honest) I do see a female therp in addition (who happens to be a lesbian, but no I'm not bi) and she's the one who's an expert in child abuse and SIV (self inflicted violence) She's really good and I felt comfortable with her right away so none of that sexual tension I have with my shrink (but there's lots of issues there like my ex-shrink who crossed boundaries) so actually he can really help me work through those issues by keeping his strong boundaries. So far nobody's ego has been affected (quite amazing with a shrink involved :-) and I really feel like they both want to help me and each brings a different perspective. I hope all of this made sense and I hope you're doing well - Judyjudy: it sounds like your p-doc is too uncomfortable with this to deal with it therapeutically, and hence, for you it just festers. but it also sounds to me like you want something sexual to happen between you--if not his "nerves of steel" would be irrelevant. but ascribing your sexual feelings- i think, very natural, in therapy- to your mania is just a cop-out. you could be manic (i don't know about this,) but even if you are, there's something to be learned here, good lessons for you in dealing with strong feelings towards inappropriate people.if this strikes a nerve, maybe you should bring it up with him in this vein. if it doesn't, there's gotta be some other therapeutic value, but i'm guessing that he's getting the message you want to sleep with him, so he's brushing you off.
i'm talking from my own experience here.i have a history of seeking relationships with unavailable men and crossing boundaries to get them. what my shrink, as he calls himself, got me to see was that his "nerves of steel" were simply his self-respect, and that once i had more self-respect, i too would have "nerves of steel." there's no question that we're both attracted to each other--but he values his license more than sex with me, and i value him more as a therapist than as a lover. so we occasionally flirt; we laugh; tell each other when the other looks particularly nice; have a standing joke about his cologne, and hugs are allowed, at my request, in particularly troublesome situations. we both agreed that if we had met each other at the grand union, more would be going on--but we didn't so there's not.
there's nothing wrong with having sexual fantasies about your shrink, particularly if he's someone you'd be attracted to in another setting, and given anyone's vulnerability in therapy. there's only something wrong with acting on them.
how would you feel, particularly given what happened with your prior p-doc, if you slept with this one, and stuff ended badly??? you need more trauma in your life?? this would be smart for you to do?? and smart for him to risk losing his license and gaining a malpractice lawsuit?? there's no payoff here.if you're at all like me, many of these fantasies are heightened cuz he's forbidden fruit. they're also very safe becuz he's forbidden--nothing emotionally scary can happen with someone forbidden and unavailabe until they become available. my sexual fantasies towards my shrink were obcessions. as i realized in therapy how really devastating acting on those fantasies would be for me, and that my shrink's "nerves of steel" were just his self-respect, i would not allow myself to have the fantasies. now i allow myself the fantasies sometimes, but i know they're a substitute for life, and i just hope i meet a guy i'll respect as much as i do my shrink.
all this took about three of my four years in therapy with the guy. i would imagine, with your history, that you're a real hot potato for your p-doc, which is why he brushes off your comments to mania. i would think that if you can show him how obcessed you are with your fantasies, how much they bother you, and that it would help you to learn to deal with them better, he should take your comments more seriously. working this through with him probably would strengthen your therapeutic relationship.
i know that working through this issue with my shrink, for me, has helped my therapy and growth in other areas. we have a kind of shorthand that lovers have, and i feel safer with him than with anyone else. but for our mutual health, we're not going to bed.
hope this helps. good luck. i know it can be agonizing.
caroline h.
poster:caroline h.
thread:7149
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010706/msgs/7364.html