Posted by SLS on May 28, 2001, at 11:49:07
In reply to Re: Redirected: Relying on meds , posted by mair on May 28, 2001, at 7:46:31
Hi Mair.
> I used to post under the name of ksvt. Aren't you the guy who's been through an unimaginable number of meds changes? I've always admired your attitude, and during a few particularly low periods when I was either contemplating meds changes or undergoing them, your story has been a source of inspiration.
Sometimes I think that I might be exaggerating things. There are so many people here who experience excruciating pain and frustration, and whose lives have been completely destroyed by these illnesses. Maybe I just complain too much. I don't know. One thing I do know is that were it not for the small improvement I receive from combining Lamictal and a tricyclic, I would be lying motionless and numb on the couch and staring into space. There is no way that you would see SLS on PB. That is not an exaggeration, but I try not to get sucked into "poor me".
> It was very interesting to read your post and Shelli's. Shelli says I think, that those friendships haven't languished as much as I may think, and they can be rejuvenated fairly easily.
I am sure that they can and are. There are so many different things that each person as an individual experiences, and so many life situations that act to determine what is uniquely best for that individual. When I read Shelli's post, the things that she foresaw herself wanting to do seemed to resonate well with what little I know about her. Not only that, but everything she felt motivated and anticipating being able to do could easily be a path that I might choose for myself should I feel it right for me to do so at some point in time.
> You seem to be saying, look forward not backward, forget about the lost friendships and look forward to new ones. (I hope I'm paraphrasing reasonably correctly).
Pretty much. The two words that I would change are "forget" and "look". It is my desire not to forget about relationships lost, and to be able to carry with me always the good memories and lessons they have provided me. I hope I am always able to look back so that I can better know where I am going or want to go. I'll look backward. I just don't want to walk backward.
> This does hold a certain allure.
It might hold an allure because it eliminates the risk of encountering rejection or disinterest. I'm sure there are many possible reasons why it would be alluring for any one individual. Starting out fresh and building a new life with a new me in my own way is exciting. I can foresee seeking out my friend - once again - when I feel that doing so is an assertive step forward into something new and healthy for me. I do not fear rejection, not because I feel confident that there will not be any, but because at such time, ideally, I will have established my core self emotionally as well as establish myself situationally. To be rejected by a lifelong friend will cause me to shake my head and say to myself "What a shame." I have already grieved the loss. My ego (Freudian) will remain intact as I take my next step forward. Such a scenario resonates well with my character and my past experiences. Of this I am sure. I really, really, really hope that I can begin a *new* relationship with my old friend, as I will always consider him one. He is already imbedded in my heart, no matter what is to happen.
It is very important to understand that the course of my illness has been one of all or nothing. The few brief periods that I found myself improved enough to seek and maintain relationships, the degree of improvement has been rather dramatic. Otherwise, I am too vegetative to do so. There has not been an extended period during which I have been partially improved enough to maintain a social life.
> The conclusion I draw from what has happened with some friendships, is just that it is an indication of how bad i was with "friend relationships" to begin with.
Perhaps your conclusion is accurate for you. Generally speaking, I can't offer enough personal experiences to refute it because I have never felt that I was much good with "friend relationships" either. I do note, however, that you used the words "some" and "was". I can't help but to believe that my not being "good" with these relationships is in large part the direct result of my always being at least mildly depressed since age 10.
What I can offer you to help you evaluate the dynamics of your relationships is how I functioned socially during my periods of remission. I became very gregarious, likeable (believe it or not) :-), and motivated to engage people and participate in activities. Even more surprising is that I made myself emotionally available and vulnerable, and seemed to encourage others to do the same with me. During the two week period that I described in my previous post when I had remitted enough to seek out my friend and spend time with him, I felt for the first time in the sixteen years since we met each other as children a true friendship with him. We felt closer to each other than at any time in the past. One day, all we did was to visit his grandmother in her nursing home, take care of some housekeeping chores around his house, follow up on some of his managerial responsibilities at work, and talk about cars. It was the most wonderful day I have ever experienced. I felt that it would be a little strange for me to tell him that, but I couldn't help myself. When he told me that it was for him also, I knew that we had both shared a peak experience. What an incredible friendship we had on that day. He called me frequently during those few weeks. Besides BS-ing about the usual things friends BS about, the purpose of many of the calls were to arrange our schedules to do things together. HE SOUGHT ME OUT. I relapsed. He stopped calling.
I would say that this story demonstrates well that:
1. *I* wasn't "bad" with friendships; the character and dynamics of friendships were greatly influenced, if not determined, by the depressive state itself. The depression was the culprit, not me.
2. The disappearance of my friendships was not indicative exclusively of my being "bad" with them, but was the direct result of the emergence of depression. I found that friendships wax and wane as depression comes and goes. As I described above, the dynamics responsible for this include the reactions and behaviors of others. They are active participants in the dissolution of relationships.
> It's definitely less punitive to think instead of new friendships and the infinite possibilities for the future.
Yes, it is.
> Unfortunately, the wall between me and my friends was there before I got depressed and I have no reason to think that it won't be there after (if?) I achieve a firmer, more lasting remission.
See above.
The wall that I felt had prevented me from connecting fully with my friend for years came down immediately and completely within days of remission.
Perhaps you became mildly depressed or dysthymic far earlier than you realize. Perhaps not. I was. I can now see how greatly my childhood dysthymia and adolescent depression contributed do my inability to establish or maintain close friendships.
> Maybe I should draw some hope from the fact that I'm real tired of my pretense. I would rather be more honest this time around.
I hope it is the character of your friends to allow you to do so openly and easily. I found that many of the people with whom I have had relationships have welcomed honesty. However, this has not guaranteed the continuance of relationships during protracted periods of depression.
> BTW - you seemed to have fun with the friend that you reconnected with.
I did.
> Why do you think you never heard from him again
1. He is somewhat hypersocial. He is a very gregarious and likeable person who attracts almost everyone around him. He maintains relationships with many, many people. Out of sight, out of mind.
2. I think he loves me too much to see me suffer and be so grotesquely crippled by this illness.
> and why didn't you try to contact him?
I did. Perhaps there will come a time when I do again.
I tend not to follow scripts, especially those written by others. I try not to write too many of my own.
- Scott
poster:SLS
thread:6181
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010526/msgs/6208.html