Posted by medlib on January 8, 2001, at 23:39:14
In reply to Re: DO IT!!! My advice:, posted by ksvt on January 8, 2001, at 19:24:32
kvst---
I'd like to share with you my experiences raising 2 teens as a divorced mother with life-long double dysthmia (during a time when tricyclic ADs were all that was available). I could not have hidden my depression had I wished to (I was too often too dysfunctional); but I *would* not have concealed it had I been able. My brother and I were raised by 2 successful, happily married, loving parents, who created a singularly toxic home environment simply by refusing to acknowledge that they *ever* experienced a negative emotion. When we had kids, my brother and I each focused on making home a place where communication of *all* emotions was encouraged. It may have been the only thing I did "right." Both my kids have told me that being able to talk about feelings was what enabled them to survive my depression relatively sane. Both report feeling damaged by it, mainly because they had no other emotional resources. Both are adults who are successful in relationships, education and employment; neither has needed therapy or meds for mental illness. I take *no* credit for this outcome; I feel lucky to have been able to not get in their way any more than I did.
I learned: (from my grown son) that I had no concept of what "support" really means; (from my daughter) that, altho many teens are very perceptive, none have the adult experience base necessary to draw consistently accurate conclusions from their perceptions. (Erroneous conclusions can be explosively harmful.) That kids model first, their parents (good *and* bad); second, the opposite of their parents; third, their peers, and lastly (if lucky), their own unique traits.
If one of your teens inherits or develops depression, do you really want him to hide it in shame-filled silence? (As you probably know, that way lies suicide for many teens.) Your husband could provide timely extra support to your kids (and you) if he knew it was needed. Can you deny him and them that opportunity?
IMHO, your kids need to know: that you have a chronic relapsing-remitting-type illness that is not your fault, or theirs. That neither you nor they can "fix" it, so neither blame nor "help" is acceptable. That you are getting the best help you can find in order to minimize the impact of your illness on their and your lives, but that sometimes the best available won't be enough, and you regret that. That it's okay (and normal) to be angry with each other, but that it's not okay to hurt others or themselves because of it. And, finally, that help is available (and not shameful to accept) for them, too, if they need it.
I I haven't been trite enough already, I have to agree with Racer about the light being Truth; my experience is that it *does* set you free.
Good luck and well wishes---medlib
> >To julesvox and quilter and others - I'm pretty overwelmed by the thoughtfulness of your responses. My therapist thinks that I will find out that my kids are not as aware or affected as I think they are. She also thinks, as many have expressed here, that they do sense alot. I really don't want them growing up thinking that they could not please me, or that I was disappointed in them - all of which i guess could be extrapolated from my negativity. Thanks ksvt
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> I agree with Racer. I just recently found out my 21 year old daughter is struggling with guilt because she did not tell anyone when she caught me reading a suicide related site shortly before my last attempt 3+ years ago. They need to know that this particular choice, this illness is not their responsibility. That you and your drs. and spouse are in charge of it, and will do your best to take care of it. They need to know that they can talk to you about this and that there are ways to get help. Both of my girls are now on meds for their depression. All I can do for them is to be willing to talk about our illness and to listen. Suffering in silence doesn't work, my mother tried that. Maybe the reverse won't work either, but it helps a bit with the guilt I feel for passing along this curse.
> > Quilter
poster:medlib
thread:3738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010105/msgs/3799.html