Posted by allisonm on December 10, 2000, at 20:07:46
Greg,
You do have a point about making headway and celebrating even if it's small. I have done that before, only to find later that things just weren't working as well as they should and switching meds. (I always feel like I'm the last to know.) But I should try to be more optimistic about this.
Of course, you are right about being our own worst critics. Getting some support from my boss would help reduce the paranoia. There has been some confirmation that I'm doing a good job, but maybe not enough (how much does one need?). Or I could not be doing a good job. The climate at work has not been good these last few months.
My boss knows about my depression. I used to think that I was fortunate and had an understanding boss, but not anymore. I was diagnosed in early 98 and half a year later all hell broke loose in my life so I suppose that justified the depression for her. I get the sneaking suspicion that maybe she thinks I should be over "it" by now, although I think she knew of my Dx before the bad stuff happened. She's gone through depression/drugs/therapy before, so I felt as though she understood. Maybe she is holding me up to her measuring stick of how long it took her to get over her episode(s) because I am finishing year three without remission.
In any case, I don't feel I can trust her anymore because she suggested a medical leave a few months ago when I was upset over workload and personnel problems. Also in the last 6 months she has failed to support me and my department as much as she did before because she fears for her own job (and was using me as a confidant to boot). She used my depression as the reason for my reaction -- not that there was valid bad stuff going on at work. She should know better. Now, I will never bring it up with her again and if she brings it up, I will not tell her anything.
I am thinking about asking for an increase in the Neurontin dose. Wonder whether things will look rosier when the holidays pass. Maybe I should wait.
I wish I could wear neckties. I'd be asking you where you got yours. Just finished putting up the tree. A major effort -- and accomplishment, I guess.
How often/at what dose do you take your Neurontin?
Have fun in Boston. Hope it isn't all work. I like walking through Cambridge and looking in the windows of the funky stores.
Best regards and thanks again.
Allison
poster:allisonm
thread:3584
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001117/msgs/3584.html