Posted by coral on October 29, 2000, at 14:55:42
In reply to Re: Thanks help, please!, posted by Noa on October 28, 2000, at 12:35:14
Rats. Crabgrass. Crap. The beast apparently left a few items and returned. This weekend has been a complete wash, which REALLY ticks me off because I'd strung a couple of really good weeks together, including wed/thur (two 18 hour days of on-site intensive work with a client) and I felt great. Not only am I NOT considering reducing my meds, I upped the Zoloft today. Things I wanted to do this weekend, looked forward to doing, became demands from some evil overlord and I haven't done a damned thing. Even taking a bath required more energy that I possess. WARNING: I suspect this is going to be a lonnnnnnnng vent. The ONLY good thing I can say is that I am angry and feeling any emotion is better than the depression deadness. Referring to my previous post, I don't think I've fallen into the abyss, but I have a LOT more mud and junk clinging to me than I thought. I will not be licked by this son of a bitch. Nothing has the right to creep into my life and steal. I realize all the calm rational considerations that depression is a disorder, part of my brain, etc., but right now, I am in a war and it MAY be with myself. Damm it to hell. There are enough external problems without me sabotaging myself. I am so damned sick and tired of being sick and tired. I rarely feel anger, even when I'm not depressed (maybe that's part of the problem?), so I'm not all that used to feeling anger. So, after admitting I was feeling anger and dealing with the fear of feeling anger, I'm STILL angry. Who knows? Maybe my therapist would call this a break-through. I don't want to analyze it, think it away, be rational about it, or adult or mature about it. I'm ticked off. Shattering china sounds like a fun thing to do right now.
poster:coral
thread:1730
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1832.html