Posted by chdurie2 on October 1, 2000, at 18:34:29
In reply to How to resume normal life?, posted by jzp on September 30, 2000, at 15:38:32
> After almost two years of severe depression-- by far the longest and darkest that I have ever experienced-- I have finally found "the" medicine (for me, Serzone), and am feeling better. This is wonderful and such a relief, but it's also incredibly weird. I also have a lot of messes to clean up.
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> How have you all dealt with the aftermath of something like this? How do you make sense of it mentally and emotionally? And how do you solve the practical issues (ruined credit, very few friends)?
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> I'm working and have moved back to the city where I went to college, where I have a few friends and acquaintances. But when I run into people I know, they're like "What have you been up to since we graduated?" and I never know what to say. "I've been laying in bed moping for the past two years, while you've been in law school/the Peace Corps/getting married/publishing your first novel."
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> I would appreciate any input you guys have.
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> Thanks,
> JannetteJannette--Gee, I thought that was my question...
To people I feel I need to provide a reasonable explanation to, I say, "Actually, I'm just beginning a life re-launch," which focuses the attention on what you're doing or hoping to do instead of on what you've been doing in the past. Or, I say very fliply, "I've been in hiding." (One of my best friends who knows the truth thought of that line.) "Up to no good. How about you?" is a similar thought. You can always say, "I've been ill," and when they ask what with, or more politely, can they ask the nature of your illness, you can say, "I'd rather not talk about it. I had to talk about it enuf with doctors and such while I was sick, so I'm pretty tired of talking about it." But fortunately, on the illness front, many people will not ask the nature of your illness, because they still regard it, like the size of your bank account, as one of the few things in this world still considered private. A lot of times they'll just say, "I'm sorry to hear that" and move on, recognizing that you probably don't want to talk about it.
I'd talk about Serzone before I'd ever talk about a two-year depression to anyone except close friends, immediate family, and my p-doc. Most people are just not ready to hear it.(including, and maybe, PARTICULARLY, most "below-the-head" docs.) Later, when you get to know people real well, if it seems relevant, you can talk about it if you want - but i still think there's risk. One can argue that if your future close friends can't accept your past-life depression, who wants them, anyway? But I'm not sure that's true, especially among 20-somethings who are eager to make their marks on the world.
More importantly, how do you justify it to yourself? Two answers: I was ill (a two-year depression is a bona-fide illness); you forgive yourself for the waste, the losses, and move on, like some of the other respondents have said. Most importantly, YOU DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR IT. THIS IS THE TIME TO BE EXTREMELY KIND TO YOURSELF. It's the hardest trick I've ever had to learn, and my p-doc taught me that beating myself up over my past/current depression does no good-- it does not help you get better and probably will make you feel worse. Like, does spanking a child make her do better?
On creditors, there are books on how to restore your credit. Or my friend in Florida went to a credit restorer (not a debt consolidator-similar but different) and she's in her 50's, and had 20 years of explaining to do. She paid the guy $400 to write the right things in the appropriate letters, get her credit history, make her creditors justify every penny they said she owed, etc. Did you know that if your creditors can't justify every penny, they have to take it off your credit record, and in some cases, you're absolved of the debt? And you'd be surprised, many can't justify it. I got rid of a $1,500 hospital bill that way. In some states (NY&NJ, for example) medical people (docs, labs, hospitals, whatever, cannot touch you if you pay them $1 a month - it's called good-faith effort. Medical bills are not like furniture bills-medical stuff is considered by the courts to be necessary expenses. Also, medical stuff is not allowed to be part of your credit history- if it's on yout TRW or the like, it has to come off. But state laws on this may vary.
I also make it a policy not to talk to creditors I don't have to or want to --some are just gonna hassle you cuz it's never enuf til it's all paid. and they'll call you every name in the book. so i screen my calls via answering machine, or if i pick up and an unfamiliar voice is on the other end, i make them identify themselves just as a secretary would. if it's a creditor i don't want to talk to, i tell them i'm not in, and that i'm a friend housesitting while Caroline (me) is away. No, I don't know when she'll be back, and no, I can't take a message cuz I'm just running out the door myself. A close friend of my brother's who owns a collection agency taught me those tricks. If a creditor (from a collection agency) can't talk to you, there's nothing they can do to you except put it on your credit record. I'm not saying, don't pay these people; i'm just saying don't talk to them. And banks, utilities and medical people should be only too willing to work out reasonable payment plans when you tell them you've had an extended illness.hope this helps. i'm in the same boat myself. caroline
poster:chdurie2
thread:753
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/763.html