Posted by Rhainy on August 16, 2000, at 9:43:14
Greetings All,
I wanted to post a very long and detailed post, but have decided I would bore most to tears so I will be as brief as I can...
Last year I finally agreed with everyone around me that I had to get some kind of help. I had quit a good paying job due to finally having had enough Religious Harrassment and I didnt realize at the time, I had let the boss control me. I am a very strong willed and assertive/agressive person who normally will stand up for what I believe in. Due to being in the process of buying a house, I allowed myself to be emotionally controled by this woman for much longer than normal.
I *Think* this is where my depression actually began though I didnt realize I even had a problem til about 8 months later, when everyone kept saying *What's Wrong?* to me on a regular basis...I mean like every day or so...
Shortly after Finally finding another job, I was injured at work and found I had Advanced Osteoarthritis of the spine. My doc told me I would most likely be in a wheelchair within about 10 years. (Read *add more fuel to the depression* here).
One thing I have also discovered is that I bought into the whole *BIg is OK* thing and have allowed my body to go to hell..I now weigh about 295 pounds and though I am large framed and tall (5'8") I Hate the extra weight on my body. At 39 I do not expect to become Twiggy, but I want to become healthy and fit again...and I Hate Myself for allowing my self image to buy into that whole *Big is Beautiful* thing. I do not say it is not right for Some people..but I myself used it as a cop-out and a way to be acceptable and lazy.(read here..*Not have to do anything to keep fit*)
THen to add even more fuel, my Father (59) was diagnosed with advanced terminal cancer and is dying...
Ok so How do I get it all back together? I went to my Family Doc and was put on Wellbutrin, didnt work, neither did Paxil, Celexa and tho Prozac worked..I refused to give up a very active Healthy sex life to not being able to achieve orgasm without adn Act of God.
So now I am living on the edge...I wake up each morning adn wonder how I will make it through the day. I cannot afford to go to a PDoc and have not been able as of yet, to find a good Gen Practitioner to help me through all this.
I have a real and constant problem with control issues. At present I do not feel in control of myself at all. This is a Very Scary place for me.
Another thing I might mention is that I am married (for almost 10 years now) to the Most Wonderful and Supportive Man in the World (well for me he is LOL) BUT He has his own issues which although they affect me deeply, he needs to work through on his own. He is as supportive as I could hope for almost always. The issues he is dealing with are matters of Trust and do affect me negatively, but until he works them through, the only 2 choices I have are to be patient adn stick it out, or leave...I chose to stay and hope the end results are for the best of both of us. Thankfully he Is working on it, as many men would notbe doing the inner work needed to solve this issue.
I have a home-based business which might have been our salvation financially, but I cannot/wiilnot work, as I cannot/willnot get motivated and cannot/willnot finish the orders I have already been paid for. Which brings up another point, finances are one of my biggest issues. I do not have the means to seek the real help I nned and cannot qualify for any assistance due to the fact that we (*Supposedly*) make too much money...Yeah RIght!
Ok I just realized many may not understadn the *cannot/willnot* way I wrote in some places...I read a very good articel about how *Can't Is A Lie* and I agree with the overall feeling that the author states. Most cases when we use *Can't* it is a case of Will not, rather than cannot.
Ok I think I have rambled on long enough, for those who managed to read all the way through this, thanks and my point....Any ideas on how to cope until I can get a good doc and get my meds and self sorted out?
Blessings,
Rhainy
poster:Rhainy
thread:21
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/21.html