Posted by Tabitha on May 6, 2011, at 5:09:47
It feels unbearable. I've got overwhelming job responsibilities and conflicts with people there, a crisis in my relationship, and the situation with my therapist has flip-flopped into a weirdly paradoxical situation. I had a 3 hour session Tuesday night, and was so hammered afterward I took a sick day in which I slept most of the day. I worked today, and the conflict there had me exhausted and drained by 6 pm, yet once I got home I got wired by the aftermath. I re-live the awful conflicts of the day and get wired up and up and don't sleep. I actually handled it well in objective terms, but at night, this torture starts.
My therapist has this all framed in positive terms about me growing and developing an identify (although paradoxically, if I want to accept that interpretation, I'm taking her story instead of my own yet again, just like I did before I supposedly developed my own identity).
The latest idea is about avoiding losing myself in relationships. So she coached me through one possible response to one of the crises. Yet so much comes at me every day, and there's nobody to coach me through every one of those encounters. And this terrible aftermath. I can't tell if it's just the sheer terror of what I went through in the day, or my inner critic somehow attacking me, or what.
Notice I'm all speaking the therapy-speak again despite my recent utter rejection of it all. You know why? My alternate system broke, and I'm desperate, and she's the best advisor I have. I was "in" the interpretation she gave me totally for a day. I think it was true, I hope it was true. Or was it her story again?
I want to be in her story, because my story is just that I'm terrified and suffering and clueless (and therapy doesn't help). All I have is that it will feel better in the morning. That's really very little comfort in the moment.
poster:Tabitha
thread:984703
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/984703.html