Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 28, 2011, at 11:24:33
I feel like Sisyphus. Condemned to roll the f*ck*ng stone up the hill for all eternity.
I just got out of my session. We had been meeting at spans of time that were about 4-5 days apart-- like Wednesday and then the next Monday or Friday and then the next Wednesday. We even met twice in one week two weeks ago. But now, it is back to once per week-- 7 days apart. I really can't make it that long.
It is so hard to leave a session. When the end of our time approaches, I feel despair. It is also really hard for me to make it in between sessions. It is really hard to be separate from my therapist. All week I obsess about the session, thinking that if only I can make it until that slot of time, then I will be fine. It gets me through the week. But when I get there, like today, I feel strange and detached. Then, the time flies by, and it is over. Then, despair.
And repeat.
It feels like this is how it will be forever--
like Sisyphus.Sometimes during a session, I feel at one with my therapist. His glace sometimes makes me feel like I become at one with him, like we merge and I feel warm inside and strange. It feels almost like a physical draw towards him. This didn't really happen today, but usually does. Also, when we are apart and I feel alone, especially at night, I sometimes listen to his saved voicemail messages and it makes him feel more present and real. Sometimes in between sessions, I have felt close to him while we are apart, and I get this sensation of the cheek of my face touching against the cheek of his face-- it is a feeling of absolute safety and comfort that makes things feel more OK.
This is all probably strange.
But I feel stuck now, like Sisyphus-- condemned to be in hell forever.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:983962
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/983962.html