Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 21:08:09
So, I am trying to use the words "I'm curious about..." when I start writing about my feelings or some huge reaction I have had to my T. Of course, I don't feel curious (yet), I feel really critical of myself. But it might be helping just a little.
I can't make one of my appointments this week and I know I am totally at risk. I called to ask if she had *anything* else. (Of course, wishing that she would have already offered it - so that's my starting place.) She called back right away - within hours - and left a message with a time I could make. Wow. I called back and said I would take it. As usual, I knew she would call me back one more time to confirm that the slot would be mine. She called immediately. I was still holding my phone. (Actually I hold it a lot - I think it has become one of my transitional objects!)
Here was my mistake. I answered. I did this because I felt embarrassed that I shouldn't be able to. Does that make sense to anyone? I wanted to just be a normal person who can answer when my T calls and just have a business-related exchange.
Me: "Hi, I'm answering."
T: "Oh, OK. I"m just calling to confirm our appt. for blah blah" or something like that. "I think it's good that we try to keep some consistency right now, blah, blah."
Me: "Great, thanks."
T: "See you <at our next meeting>."
Us: Byes all around.I hang up.
I feel so hurt and angry! WHY????? I could kick myself. Why did I pick up? What did I want from her? Sh*t, she gave me another appointment for Pete's sake!!!! My transference must be rearing a huge ugly head these days. (What am I saying, it has been for two years.) But it's BIGGER THAN EVER! ARGH!
I'm curious though (hee hee) about my big reaction to such a small thing. Clearly I wanted something different. What? What could she have said or asked? Maybe I wanted her to offer that she hopes I'm doing OK, that she got my other messages, that she was glad I seemed to be doing a little better, that she really looked forward to seeing me later this week and hearing about my weekend, that she cares about me. Uh oh. That was it.
My mom?
Phones SUCK. My mom does not know how to carry a two-sided phone conversation to save her life. It's all about her all of the time. And if she asks how I am it's in an accusatory way, like, don't you dare indicate that you need anything cause then I'll just fall apart... besides, "you never call me. How come you don't call me more?" Gee, I wonder.
*sigh*
Maybe.
My T, btw, is now not only my "lover" in this infamous onstage play they call Transference, but now she is maternal and parental and just all of them. I am feeling it all right now. I've got them all going! Session before last at one point I wanted to crawl into her lap like a baby. Later, I got aroused and imagined myself making love to her. Now I'm just mad. Wow, the rage.
More sighing.
FMD
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:898897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/898897.html