Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 13:01:37
This seems to be a bit of a theme around here so I thought I'd add my latest experience with the horrors of When Worlds Collide.
I have this coworker who I really like. I have been at my new job about 1/2 year and he and I have been really drawn to each other. I have begun working on projects with him and he's just super cool. Plus, next year my daughter will begin going to the same school as his daughter so we are bonding over that.
A few weeks ago he said he was going to hire an old colleague to come do an internal workshop for us. (You know where this is going.) I was talking about him in therapy, using his name, etc. T interrupts (an important story having to do with my gender struggles) to ask if he is a particular person that she knows. I confirm it. Turns out they used to work together and she just got an email from him out of the blue. (Note that my T rarely, ever shares anything at all about her real life, personal life, family - nothing.) I try not to let this derail me in the moment even though I'm freaking out. I leave therapy and suddenly it all comes together. OMG, my coworker has emailed her to hire her to teach me this thing!!!!! FREAKY!!!! That just won't do, naturally, so I call her and leave a message to that affect. She calls back reassuring me that she wouldn't knowingly invade my space, or some such thing, like that.
I proceed to casually ask coworker who he has hired for the workshop. He names a name. Not T. So, in my long ago obsessive Internet Search, I had found a few previous job locations for my T. She's a young, web-saavy person whose other job is somewhat web related. As such she *is* out there, even though she does her best to hide most all personal info from the likes of me. However, I am able to confirm that this new person and coworker and she all worked together at the same old place. Of course I immediately don't want this information. Turns out the other person doesn't take or get the job or something so that's good...
But wait, it gets worse.
Time goes by and coworkers all start ramping up on the Facebooking of each other. (You know, again, where I'm going with this.) I know she is on Facebook (totally protected, but I do have her profile pic on my desktop to prove she's there and that I am obsessive.) Anytime I add anyone I check their friends to be sure she is not there. Well, guess which coworker she is hooked up with? UGH! So, I march in to work and tell him. I just say it. So and so is my T and I'm totally in love with her and deep "in it" so I can't be your Facebook friend. (He, btw, has been a therapy goer himself and I knew he would understand.)
He expresses how much he cares about me and is invested in my friendship and says he will think about emailing her to "unfriend" her because I'm in the here-and-now and she is from the past, etc. I think, that's super nice and makes me feel good and OMG I am stricken with GUILT.
But wait, there's more.
Then I listen to him go on and on about how totally great and fabulous she is. The best in her field, a great person, etc. To some extent this is nice to hear. Confirms what I know or imagine. Then he says he used to have quite a crush on her. She was so helpful to him, and so great, blah, blah, blah. I'm not saying anything to encourage him to go on, but I'm not stopping him either.
I'M SO INSANELY JEALOUS I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!
He emails her that day, apparently.
That night I had therapy and she brought it up in this awkward way. She SO respects the ethical rules, etc. that the whole thing is weird. Was there someone I told about her...? I save her. Yes, I did. Him. Then I tell her the whole story (minus the part about his crush and my jealousy mind you.) She says even though I told him she is my T and he said that in his email, she cannot confirm it to him. We talk about Facebook and what my reactions are to this whole thing (which I diminish reality about 10x) and she leaves it to me. I tell her I would like it if I could have him on FB. End of that story, supposedly.
But wait, there's more.
Next day he bounds in all cheery - "all impediments to our FB friendship eliminated and so we are connected now." I think I look a little guilty and he sees it. He says (probably to comfort me and also totally without consciousness), "It's OK. We can always email each other. She sent a nice email back and even asked about (the city we live in)'s preschools." I nod and say something like, "Oh, that's nice." He leaves.
I F*CK*NG FREAK OUT AGAIN!!!!! SHE AND I LIVE IN THE SAME CITY!!!!! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT AND NOW I DO!!!! OUR KIDS ARE IN THE SAME SCHOOL DISTRICT!!!!
I'm going to have to tell him he can never mention her again. I just feel so stupid that I can't be normal about such things. Now when I see him I think of her. I think of how they must have talked and had coffee together and probably hugged!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEELLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!! I can't shake it off of me. No wonder I feel apart in therapy this week. No wonder I am so angry at her.
Phew. I won't even believe it if you made it this far.
FMD
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:898792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/898792.html