Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 18, 2009, at 16:46:21
In reply to Re: I'm not going to make it - disconnecting again » FindingMyDesire, posted by workinprogress on May 14, 2009, at 21:04:13
I can't start a new thread cause I just can't take up that kind of space right now yet I'm so desperate for connection. Here's how desperate I am: Saturday afternoon (just after therapy) I found myself on the sidewalk in the city where I live, crying. I was a little drunk too. (It was a destructive move, something I rarely do and since I'm a total lightweight it can be bad when I do it.) I started calling crisis lines. I do that cause they all annoy me so much that it pulls me out of my extra, shall I say, bad thoughts. I called a couple of friends too whose cell numbers I had. I guess I was coherent enough and a good enough lier that neither one of them thought I was in real trouble. However, I don't remember the conversations or messages I left. I called Kaiser too. They totally suck. Picture this. I'm totally crying uncontrollably. I call the psychiatric crisis line. They ask me for my Kaiser number. I say I don't want to give them my number I just need to talk to someone. They say, "Oh. I"m sorry. I really can't help you then." I hang up. It's good actually. Anger helps pull me out of it. I call information - still crying hysterically. I ask for a hotline. (I should just put these in my cell phone.) They give me a 1-800 number and connect me, but not after telling me to have a nice day. Turns out the number is in another city. A sweet sounding woman answers and asks where I'm calling from. Remember, I'm totally crying. When I tell her what city she says that she is sorry but can't help cause they don't serve my area and did I have a pen to write a number down for my area. Here's me. I am lying on the GROUND, on the dirty sidewalk. I'm drunk. People are walking by me just ignoring me cause we have so many sad homeless people that everyone is just used to seeing someone in this state. Of course because I'm hating her now I tell her yes, I have a pen and yes I'm OK or whatever I said to make sure she felt fine going home that night and getting sleep.
I called my therapist too. A few times. She doesn't check messages that often right after ending her day. Makes sense I guess. I didn't hear back from her for five hours or so. I'm not mad at her, but this doesn't work when I'm in this kind of crisis. I even called our couple's therapist. She actually answered. I have her cell number. I don't think I'm supposed to have it but I used it. She answered. She was just leaving the airport and couldn't talk. I have no idea what I said to her but based on the message she left me The Next Morning, I'm thinking she didn't know how bad a shape I was in. No one but anyone reading this knows I was on the street. Except, of course, those walking past me. Hopefully no one recognized me. Ugh. I'm stuck with unbearable shame today. And wondering how much I can share with my therapist when I see her. I think I need to tell her all of it. But then what?
Meanwhile, I told her on Saturday that I thought I needed to quit therapy cause it's too painful. She resisted a little, but not as much as I wanted in order to feel loved of course. She said I should at least come a few more times to work through the ending. Geez. No wonder I lost my mind, right? Am I that good of a lier? That's the part that scares me. And could she have please wanted to save me enough to give me a little more... something?
Anyway, this isn't the first time this has happened for me and here I am today at work acting like a normal person. Although, I'm having trouble focusing and I still have all the same issues I had yesterday and last month. So, am I bipolar or what? I mean look at me two days ago is like describing a movie or something. I'm freaking myself out.
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:895298
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/896463.html