Posted by pegasus on May 4, 2007, at 12:40:00
Today I had the last of three recent sessions with my ex-T. At the end, we reconfirmed that we still have a relationship, and that I can still email him, and that I can call him for more sessions in the future. I told him that I wish I could still do therapy with him, and he said, "Aw! That's so sweet. I mean it." Not sure what to make of that response. He seemed genuinely surprised and pleased that I'd say it. But also, there was something off about his response. Can't put my finger on it. Maybe it was that I said it after the last minute, and he was trying hard to wrap up on time? So, it seemed a little forced or restrained or something.
The whole session was about me asking him to tell me what I was like from his point of view. I don't think I asked quite what I meant somehow, even though I was really sure that I knew what I wanted to ask. We talked and talked and talked about how he could tell me, and he has many times in the past, what he sees in me. But that would be coming from the outside, and I have a more direct source of knowing all of it, from inside myself. He said that if I guessed what he'd say, I'd probably be right on. And he wanted me to try at one point. But I wouldn't. Because then he could just say, yes, that's right. And I'd never know whether he really would have said any of it on his own.
So, eventually, he told me this: "You're an amazing person, Peg. I've loved our relationship. You're wonderful. You're smart and kind and strong and funny, [and more here that I've lost already] and you're persistent in a way that is ok. Like in this conversation, you keep insisting on this request, but you do it in a way that makes it ok for me to tell you this now.
You're very stubborn and you hold on to resentments and grudges. You're hard to connect with sometimes when you get caught in your previous conceptualizations [of myself?]. [There was more here, but I've lost it too.]
From my perspective you seem very open and direct. Even when there is a momentary frustration (not assigned to me or you) that doesn't define the container of our relationship. I've always appreciated how from the very beginning you've been open to this idea of directly experiencing things. It's not what comes easily to you, and you go to the cognitive side quickly, but you've always tried and worked at your direct experience. I trust that you're going to take what I've said today and work with it. And . . . I've said all of this to you before many times, in a way that I really think you heard it."
I think what I missed asking was the aspect about what of all of that, or something else, he missed or felt a loss about when he had to leave. I wanted to hear him say he was sad to leave me, for his own sake. That there was something in our relationship that was hard to lose. Or something along those lines. I want to know how he thought I handled it. How am I handling it now? I want him to notice all the work I've done to get to a point where I could even ask for these sessions.
Then I made him tell me that he was glad to talk to me again. Although, of course, I had to admit that I knew already that he was, from inside myself. I think the truth maybe is somewhere in between. I suspected that he'd be glad, but I needed the confirmation to be sure.
Would it be completely unconscionable to email him later and ask him to fill in my blanks? Maybe if I make an attempt to fill them in for myself first (from inside myself . . .).
It was so sad to hang up. I've loved these weeks in between the first and last sessions. I've felt like he's back, helping me hold this stuff. Helping me find myself. And now I'm on my own again. I don't know why my current T doesn't count. At least he said that we're only ending now because I said I needed to.
Well, better buck up and collect myself. I have the rest of the day on solo toddler duty. She's coming back from swim lessons with her dad now. Maybe he'll have tired her out for a long nap, if I'm lucky.
peg
poster:pegasus
thread:755778
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/755778.html