Posted by zenhussy on April 19, 2007, at 12:40:38
In reply to Re: Group Update---looooong coffee break ;) » zenhussy, posted by Daisym on April 19, 2007, at 0:07:08
trying not to have weeks lapse this time...back w/ coffee now
>>> Have things changed? Hmmm - we've had two meetings since I said what I said. I think my own therapist was even a little worried about me before the last group, he said, "thinks might feel awkward. It is OK. Everyone will just be trying really hard to reach you." Fortunately there were only two of us and we were both completely a mess - the poor group therapist didn't know quite what to do. But it was OK - tears and tissues all around about mom stuff.<<<
sounds like kind of a gentle way to ease back into it. maybe the universe does provide.... a couple of those small groups were scary but extraordinarily helpful. you never know what might help until taking that risk in trying.
>>> Last night was harder since there were more of us. One person elected to try and work on feeling her feelings while telling a story and I shared (pushed?) some of the techniques I've used. It was good to help, but interestingly, while she said she couldn't feel too much, *I* could feel enormous amounts of anxiety and fear for her and from her. I finally HAD to say, "I need to give you some of your own anxiety to hold" and she said she could feel it. It was very weird to be someone's holding tank. Her story triggered off all kinds of stuff for me - but there was no time to share it so I tried to squash it.<<<pushed. interesting word to think of instead of shared. look into that more if you're able.
that was some hard stuff you did with another group memeber. good job on that. sorry you squashed your feelings of being triggered because of time constraints. that's something you'll get better at doing---speaking up in the moment or at least mentioning something to that next week or next session it can be addressed.
there was a time when you may have never thought you'd even DO group work and look at you now. you have made strides in what you're able to say and do within the group dynamic and you're learning each session with what you bring to your individual therapy and what you bring here.
you're not sitting with your suffering alone...or at least not as much as you possibly used to. that's a big step forward in healing.
>>> Had a flashback on the way home, on the freeway. That was scary. And then nightmares and no sleep. I went into therapy in pieces - an agitated, angry mess. And the tears - lots and lots of them. I guess they should have been cried last night. Ug. This is so painful.<<<
sure is painful. = ( the tears come when they come. you released them. you sound perfectly normal for someone dealing with the magnitude of issues you're facing in group and individual therapy---in addition to all your life stuff in the here and now.
there is no should on when tears need to be cried. gosh so much pressure on HOW to heal. funny how intelligent, independent, creative, strong women often spin their own wheels in healing when they're not able to figure out how to heal on their own. men too.
a dear friend pointed this out the other day and gently reminded that we cannot fix it ourselves. use the tools to help! therapy, group, meds, pdoc, therapist, friends, babble, etc. no woman is an island....
>>> My therapist said I have to protect myself from absorbing the feelings in the room when they don't all belong to me. But he also said it was the risk of connecting and now i need to know how to process the trigges. Ug, Ug. Painful too.<<<the years of individual work of tx helped tremendously in group in not taking on the stuff of others. the distancing necessary at times to not take on that stuff would make connecting about personal issues harder. that was challenge to overcome. you're zipping along at an amazing pace with all of this. probably not what you want to hear but tis true.
you make connections in ways and at times that would have stopped others short and made them give up. you haven't given up yet and by the sound of things you're using healthier more positive ways of coping....reaching out more and speaking up and posting and so on.
>>> What did I say I wanted? Invisible might have been better.<<<invisible IS NOT BETTER! when it feels like the eyes of the world are on you than yeah invisible might seem better.....but long run it is not the best choice.
childhood was spent invisible. that's not fair. that's not right. that is painful and hurts and just stinks rotten eggs. and you've got one heckuva right to be angry, confused, or whatever you feel about the fact that a large portion of your childhood was spent invisible.
please e-mail if you ever think we might have some nugget of supportive widsom you could use...would be glad to assist.
some thread below someone wrote about your post phD let down.......that sounds totally accurate for big time stuff and lots of pressure and then....it's over. suddenly whatever kept your mind off of this other stuff has been wrapped up to some extent which frees the mind up to return to the tough inner stuff. makes sense to be bummed to lose a "distraction" when it may have been one tool used to cope this past while....just a thought.
good luck as you keep on keepin on daisy.
FF kept our faith in therapy and group alive when we least wanted to keep w/ either. if not for her and the input of others ahead on the healing journey we'd have never kept w/ it. thank goodness they took time to gently prod, sweetly encourage and sometimes downright insist on some things w/ regards to tx. if not for them then we'd not be here to toss out this spiel to you ;)
PS...book was mentioned in chat while ago by you and you thought it would be good read for the hussy...can you recall the title of any book you would have recommended for mixed up ol me? no worries if you don't recall.
poster:zenhussy
thread:745674
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/751346.html