Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 16:43:52
a complete failure.
I have this one desire, only, on a day like today .. the breeze is blowing, it is absolutely beautiful.. the sun is shining and the sky is blue .. the waves, the water, the ocean, the life ... I want nothing more than to be on the ocean, right now. Living life. Fishing and just being.
And I can't.
I have no boat.
I know no one who goes fishing, I know no sailors. I want to be out there. Even to take my kids to the beach, that would be something. But no. They only want to sit here, in my apartment, on this beautiful day, and not go anywhere.
WHY?
Why won't they
I just was called a crybaby by my daughter.
Because I tried to convince them to come to the beach with me.
And they don't want to.When I was a kid, I took piano "lessons" from my abusive father. I shook so badly it took a superhuman effort to play.. and I did play, I did it, I did what was required.
I raised my eldest to play beautifully, with confidence.
Now he has a career, as well, and friends, and a lot of great hobbies and a lot of things he likes to do. He's physically active. He dives. He plays sports. He swims. He's awesome.I gave him everything I couldn't/didn't have. But it wasn't enough. We aren't close. We don't understand each other, there's so much tension between us, we can't talk to each other. He stays away. But at least he has some kind of life .. and I hope he makes it healthy and better all the time. I'm so sorry I couldn't give him a family. I wanted so BADLY to give him a family. But I don't have one myself, and I'm not enough to be anybody's family, so he doesn't have one. Unless he works at it. Because I won't, I cannot do that. I cannot work to be with people who depress me and are unwelcoming and critical and harsh .. so harsh.
I've tried, but I see now that trying my way isn't enough. I'm not enough. I never was. I may never be. But I have to live in this skin, in this life, for as long as the life wants me. Because to kill myself, would be damaging, too damaging, to the children I brought onto this planet. It wouldn't be fair.
But it's so hard to live. What I am capable of living, can't be called a life. No one who hasn't been there or isn't there now, can ever understand how it feels to be completely isolated from everyone and everything you love, or want, or wish to be. To be alone. Inside your skin, and suffering so much.
I want to be out there. With someone, on a boat, on the ocean, just absorbing life, and there is no one. There's no one.
poster:Susan47
thread:688752
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688752.html