Posted by Lindenblüte on September 23, 2006, at 17:12:56
I put myself on high alert to take care of myself. I am in between T's right now. I start with the new one in about 5 days.
I have to make it until then. I'm trying so hard.
I feel like my head is going to explode. I have this headache that assaults me everytime I wake up. Today it never went away, despite coffee, despite 2 aleve. I lay down for 3 hours this afternoon. I just listened to the hands of the clock ticking 1-2-3-4 breathe in 1-2-3-4 breathe out 1-2-3-4 breathe in 1-2-3-4 otherwise I would stop breathing and gasp when I realized I was forgetting to breathe.
Trying to get myself into a trance state, so that at least I can tell my heart to stop racing and my fists to stop clenching.
Finally I was so tired, that I figured I might as well try to get some real sleep. As soon as I neared the sleepy place, I had horrible visions. The voice started up- trying again to make sense out of the abominable. My head is throbbing. I can't TAKE it anymore.
I called my friend a few hours ago, and she's going to come over and have movie night with me. I'm in bad shape. I need... to just STOP hurting. STOP the terror inside of me. I can't shut it off. It always comes back when I need to sleep or relax. It's like my poor soggy brain uses up all of it's reserves to hold back the nightmare, and when it's exhausted, the nightmare just comes back, worse than ever.
And I keep on having strange moments where I look down and there is blood- I have scratched some scab off and I'm bleeding all over my computer mouse, or I'm drying myself off after my shower and my towel has a bright red smear from some mole that I must have scratched on my back. My white pillowcase has little dots of blood on it where I am scratching my ears and bleeding.
I have to find another way to cope. I don't even realize when I'm doing it until the bright red color is there, and it makes me feel... okay. The taste of blood in my mouth as I chew the inside of my cheeks brings me back to the here and now. Away from the nightmare.
Lindenblut.
Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad BadI'm so sorry to bleed all over these vanilla pages. It's the most soothing thing I can do right now. better than anything else. I should just keep typing.
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:688491
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688491.html