Posted by ElaineM on September 15, 2006, at 20:56:56
In reply to Re: I'm tremendously impressed » Pfinstegg, posted by llrrrpp on September 15, 2006, at 20:39:45
LL: That's such intense stuff. I think it is possible to forget stuff. I had just started talking with LadyT about "hypothetical situations" before we finished. I'd always had a vague wondering. Then as I grew older, ways of coping, odd reactions, patterns of behaviour, odd random childhood memories all started coming together. One day out of nowhere, my sister asked if she could ask me an uncomfortable question (and we don't talk with each other ever). And I got the, "Do you sometimes ever think that..." question. I went over that question a million times in my head trying to bring it up to LT, and I couldn't. Even thinking it made me ill -- saying it was unfathomable. How could I ever know? I finally did speak it cause I was driving myself (literally) mad. I don't need to say what happened after, but your post just resonated soooo much.
Really - everything. I remember planning escape routes. I asked for a chain ladder they sold in a catalogue, that you could hang out the window if you needed to escape. I used to write wills. I used to run away to live in the car. God, the part where you were talking about the drain pipes just rips my heart out. :'( And the fearing men..... (((((LL)))))....I don't know what else to say.
It is so hard to grow up learning to fit the family facade. I think that's where some of my forgetting (or my re-writing) comes in. When you're growing up and you witness stuff, or experience it yourself, and your brain says one thing, but then someone explains it away -- that didn't happen, you didn't see that, you don't feel that way -- and eventually you don't need to wait for someone else to say it, the tape plays itself in your head, and you start interpreting events as-they-happen differently. Or at least for me. I don't know if you felt something similar, but as I got older (21yrold/ED) I started to realize that some stuff wasn't actually forgotten it had just been input differently into my head. As though certain memories were logged wearing a mask. (I still have huges blanks - large gaps of nothing up until teens) I'm not saying this is exactly the same. But I think I can feel the hurt of "un-knowingness" in your words. Sorry, if I'm way out in left field.
I'm so sorry that it hurts so much now that some pieces are coming together. You are so brave for starting on this, and sharing. ((((((LL)))))) I can't say how moving it is. And I think it's a good idea to give yourself a break too, and put everything away for the weekend - you deserve it. And two scoops with sprinkles.
hugs and blove, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:686272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686376.html