Posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 22:31:16
In reply to Re: you're not alone » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on September 6, 2006, at 8:27:11
I SI'd today. It's not bad. I'm not so upset about it now - it's helping me stay calmer. I have an extra session tomorrow with T cause he's worried that I'm having major anxiety. He said I haven't been this bad since when I first came to see him. So I'm meeting him tomorrow too.
But tomorrow is also the day I either cancel or keep my appointment with CC. I want to back out. Cause I'm just plain old scared, and that it will be too painful to show up just to say "Thanks for listening to the worst of me. I'm off again on my own now." I'm afraid I'll say to her, "Please don't leave me.", when I know that there's no way she can keep me. But I'm also paranoid because I think T can tell what's going on. He's acting strange, like he knows something is up. I even told him that he seemed weird today, and he said, "Really? Why do you think that is?" I don't know. Do you think he can tell I've been speaking?
I'm also worried that she will have a referral for me. I know I asked for it, but if she ended up not being able to find one, then that would make it so much easier of a decision for me. But then, I want to go because I'm lonely, and she was nice.
The way I SI makes me think of LadyDoc. It makes me feel like she is with me. I don't get it. (?) But I have to not do it two days in a row, because then it's a pattern, and not just a slip. Stopping. I don't what's worse for me tomorrow though, working on stopping, or being paranoid-anxious.
Not really asking anything. Just typing to make myself sleepy. So shaky. .... five minutes since I last looked.... (sigh)
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:682157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/683823.html