Posted by llrrrpp on September 3, 2006, at 8:49:54
In reply to Therapy Hurts, posted by daisym on September 1, 2006, at 19:44:23
>>He said yesterday that the decisions are mine to make..."at this stage in your therapy" and I was crushed by these words. I think I figured out why -- I want to know what he thinks and would do because I want to do "what is right" -- even if it >>hurts.
-----------------------------------------------
My T is tough like this too. He was telling me things like this in the very first weeks of the first therapy I'd ever done in my wee little life. So, I'm not sure that there are stages or whatnot. Maybe my T saw more strength in me than I knew I had. Maybe my T took a risk, and it paid off.The only problem with this is that the sessions where I am confronted with something so ugly, and so true, and so long denied (like when he tells me something that can be summarized: you're making these decisions because you want to be depressed. You are choosing to be depressed, and that's *your* fight).
It hurts SO bad. Because I feel so utterly abandoned by my own mind. I feel like I don't know myself, because I've been confronted for the first time with the possibility that my entire mental illness, indeed my existence is a homunculus watching a puppet show- nothing real, just some illusion that I've been mesmerized by for too long. And the worst thing is that the homunculus is working the puppets too!
This is what happened to me only a few days ago. Confronted with the truth that I'm living inside a puppet theater, I had to make the decision to open a door into some unknown- what exists outside of the puppet theater? what if there's nothing? what if I no longer exist? what if it kills me? what if I'll be all alone.
It sure would have been easier to have someone hold my hand and open the door for me. I guess that's not what the T had in mind. He wanted me to open the door myself.
It's nasty work. So very very awful. So lonely inside my own mind. Nobody to understand, no way to communicate, if I don't even know what it is that I'm communicating. But, I feel a little bit stronger every day. It's not like this every week. Sometimes it's more light-hearted. Sometimes we talk about how I can get along better in specific situations. But how to get along better inside my own mind. well. that's really difficult.
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:682133
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/682630.html