Posted by Dinah on August 20, 2006, at 12:42:25
In reply to Re: A Jessica Moment, posted by annierose on August 20, 2006, at 7:00:48
Well, it was a series of Jessica moments, and it's hard to describe while keeping the spirit of the conversation, which was very much within the proper therapeutic boundaries.
His retirement (in the indeterminate future) had come up in our usual conversation about whether he had anything to tell me, and I squeaked something about retirement? He'd still see me when he was retired wouldnt' he? And he laughed and said sure he would, and I'd probably be happy with how poor his memory would be by then, and I could tell him whatever I wanted knowing he'd forget it right away.
Then later I brought up a concern I have had for some time about not deserving to take up his time when there were so many local people struggling with so much, and who were so much more deserving of his time. And he said that we had worked together for so long that he would always have a space for me in his practice whenever I needed it, and would never consider me to be taking up his time without deserving it.
Which led me to privately muse on therapy love. When he asked what I was smiling about, I told him that I knew that I felt therapy love for him, that I loved him as my therapist/mommy, and that I realized that I only loved the part of him that he showed in the therapy room. But didn't he think that it was real nonetheless? That I had therapy/loved him for so many years, and been so constant in it, that it had to be real, if limited in scope. And then I said that I knew therapist/love was very different from client/love but was it presumptuous of me to think that he therapist/loved me? And he said that yes, he did "therapist/love" me, and pointed out a time recently when he clearly showed concern for Dinah as someone he cared about.
It was nothing enormously new. He's said in the past that he cared about me and that that caring wasn't all that different from what I was calling love. But that he couldn't say love because it was too loaded a phrase, and might arouse unrealistic expectations.
So I guess it was more that he trusted me not to misinterpret what he was saying enough to use the L word. Of course, I had clearly defined the parameters of what I was asking so that there was absolutely no doubt that I understood that "therapist/love" was different from romantic love or even friendship love. So a lot of it was in the way I asked.
But I don't want to dismiss it. It was really cool of him to be so kind.
Really, our sessions lately have been so wonderful. His boundaries are back to ironclad, so it's not that. It's just that there's an easiness in our interactions. A lot of teasing and laughter, and a whole lot of work on current issues being done, but in a leisurely comfy way. It's hard to describe. It's just that the dance (thank you Annierose) has changed. The tension between us that I was wishing for is different than it was or that I had envisioned it being. It's not spaghetti arms, but it's not taut either. It's lazy and familiar and fond and accepting. Have you ever seen two fondly long married people dancing casually together, then laugh and swoop and dip and have fun?
I don't think I'll ever trust that he will be there for me like I used to trust. I always know that he will leave me if he needs to. I also know that he's not the source of strength that I used to see him as, the pillar, the rock.
But that sort of trust seems to have been replaced with something just as nice in its own way. More equality, more acceptance of each others' flaws, more love, if you want to think of it that way, but in the very most appropriate therapeutic way.
Good grief. Next I'll be saying that maybe change isn't always so bad. :)
poster:Dinah
thread:678300
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/678456.html