Posted by Daisym on August 17, 2006, at 0:49:37
I have to make a decision about therapy on Wednesdays. It is inconvenient, but probably not impossible for me to keep my current slot. There are no other slots on Wed. But my slot happens to be at the same time that my son gets out of school. So in order to keep my slot, I need to find someone else to get him -- sort of a continual hassle.
So today I talked with my therapist about dropping Wednesdays. It would take me from 4 days to 3 -- which is still a lot of therapy. He asked about the pros and cons and there are way more practical pros and the only con I could come up with is "I'm afraid" -- I'm afraid I won't have enough time, I'm afraid I'll fall apart again and mostly I'm afraid I won't be able to sustain our connection to all the different parts of me. I guess the answer is I really don't want to. But I think I should.
I wanted him to say "I think this is a really bad time for you to cut back -- you still NEED to come as much as you are." Instead he said, "we could experiment and see how you feel. We don't have to commit to a decision right now."
Urg. Why is it so hard for me to just settle in? Last week I was in a total melt down around not wanting to need him as much but knowing I do. Yesterday I regressed totally and told him through a storm of tears about a flashback and asked him why he hadn't been there to save me. It was really painful but he said he wished he could have protected me and would have...and that was what little daisy needed to hear. And then we talked about still being in parts and pieces and he said he thought that was OK and that I needed to still let "her" tell the stories. I left damp, sad and exhausted but totally relieved and secure in our connection.
*sigh* So what do I do? I think I should be a big girl and try three times a week.
but I'm still really scared. :(
poster:Daisym
thread:677319
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/677319.html