Posted by ElaineM on July 8, 2006, at 16:47:18
In reply to Re: MidnightBlue, plans after? » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on July 7, 2006, at 20:34:22
Thanks Midnight (and Muff): It is strange - the day after an ending. Even when it's a good one, it still feels bad, you know? Maybe I was building it up to something bigger. I sometimes think I always expect these other, mother-like figures to rescue me, regardless of rules. This same feeling happened with the lady T I had who gave me to my T now. I figured, if she saw how much I needed her, how important she was to me making it through my life, how much it was breaking my heart to have to leave, then she would fight her supervisors to change the rules, or find ways aroung them. If she really cared about me as another human, then she couldn't possibly send me back into h*ll, alone. I mean, intellectually, rationally I understand that treatment rules are there for reasons, I really do get that. But my heart is not logic-based.
I wonder if a bad outcome would've felt the same. Probably just hurt a little differently I guess. I hate finality though. It makes me get this deep franticness, that only grows and grows until I'm out of my mind with grief and despair. I wish she had given me something of herself. Once she wrote me a small note after Christmas and I read it every single time I was upset, to remember that somewhere in the world was someone who cared, even if only a little. Oh well.
As far as my brother, this will sound like a disgusting, cold-hearted thing, but I'm kinda trying to push it to the back of my mind for now. He wouldn't even listen to us. He made promises, my parents believe them, and denial has begun to, once again, cover the tracks of his addiction. Nothing I do will save him - he's probably not able to even hear other's concern. I remember vividly how strong your own blinders can be. When I was well under 90 I used to get starvation-rages. When he has his, they are worse. I know it's the chemicals. But I also recall how anything I heard out of anyone's mouth, other doctors, friends, only made me pull away even more. Everything seemed an attack. I'm afraid he'll have to hurt himself, or (god forbid) someone else, for anything to be done.
And with the disability stuff, that's another reason why I feel like an ungrateful, picky b*tch for betraying, or questioning, my T. He's trying to help me figure all that out. He fills out forms. Writes letters. Looks into things. For all the times I describe his "bad" qualities, there are many other lovely ones. I'm so young, I can't believe that I actually have to learn about disability programs and rehab and stuff like that. When I see others my age go to clubs, or starting families, or going on trips, or even just getting dressed up in business clothes to go to work, I feel sick to my stomach, and I want to just collapse where I'm standing and cry and cry, and never get up, until they cart me away. So my T is helping with that.
I still think about my T's offer to send me back to school. It is hard. When I feel really down, even thinking of the possibility of him buying me my doctor (in a way) helps me keep going. I want her back so badly, cause my T will be going on vacation the last week in July. It will be the first time I have absolutely no one at all!! I recognize the connotations in the situation. I do - that's the first idea that popped into my head. It's just that alot of the time I feel like I would sell the world, nevermind only myself, to get a little relief.
Thank you for asking about the "intervention". And about everything else. I feel like I rely on you all here way too much. I'm sorry if I do, I don't know what else to do half the time, other than post. It means alot that you would respond.
Hugs for you too, El
poster:ElaineM
thread:664245
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/665171.html