Posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 1:18:56
Don't bother reading this if my negative thoughts will bother you.
After what happened to me last week, I don't even want to see my T. tomorrow. It's not her, or even the work. It's what we talked about last week. My failed marriage and it's tearing me up. If I had better thoughts about myself I'm sure I'd be coping better with it. But I have a poor self image. It has improved a lot, but I have a lot of work to do. Things like this kick me into a depression and I don't even feel up to anything, I just make myself go through the motions of my life every single day. Inside, I'm crying in pain. I'm desperate for relief. So desperate that I scare myself sometimes. It can't feel much worse to think of wanting to die because I can't take it anymore. I do have some darling daughters, but sometimes they add to my pain of feeling like I'm such a loser of a mom. They remind me often and it hurts. I hate my husband and can hardly stand to be near him. I'm so stuck and being depressed makes it so hard to move forward in my life. I've got to keep moving along my journey.
I've thought about just sitting in the parking lot tomorrow when I go to my appointment and see if she calls me wondering if I'm coming or not. I don't want to have myself opened up to that very very hurtful place, and I know it will happen, then I'll be left alone at the end of the hour with no where to go but home to where I don't want to be. I love my T. The pain isn't caused by her. She's been so good to me. Last week, the day after my appointment, she called and said she knew I left her office and was really struggling and it hurt her heart. :'( She said she wished she could wrap me in her blanket and give me a hug. Da**it, I wish she could too. And I wish it would heal me. Fear, I hate it. I hate me. I hate life. I'm tired of the struggle. I just wish something would go well for me for a change instead of always getting sh** on.
Sorry.
Sad LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:645394
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/645394.html