Posted by pseudoname on May 2, 2006, at 11:58:53
In reply to Re: awareness » pseudoname, posted by curtm on May 1, 2006, at 13:26:51
Hey, Curt.
I hope you're still following this after the re-direct. ;-)
Your concern with this issue, your serious effort about it, the fact that you carefully replied to every post in the thread, the fact that you've discussed it with a counselor, the fact that you want to be with people and not make them “shy away from [your] pessimism”... all of that describes a person who seems genuinely NON-cynical inside. You clearly value being feeling, caring, sincere, and open to trusting people, even if *maybe* your mouth sometimes implies otherwise.
I like what your therapist said: your opinions and feelings are "personalized."
On the other hand, it sounds like maybe some impulsive-type speech sometimes comes out that doesn't jive with your deeper feelings?
I knew a guy who, ten years ago, was *very* sharp-tongued, always making cracks about everything. It seemed impulsive, like he couldn't control himself. He's not like that any more. I don't know what led to the change, but probably awareness of the problem was part of it.
The following suggestion won't be a cure, but it won't hurt, either. It's based on a kind of therapy I've been getting into lately for other reasons: Can you become even more aware of what's going on?
When you find yourself saying sarcastic things, can you focus your attention on how you feel, how your body feels? For example, is your abdomen tense? Where are your arms & legs? How do your shoulders, neck, etc feel? How are you standing, breathing, etc? What does the sarcastic impulse *feel like* inside of you? Remember incidents where you've blurted stuff out. Can you see them in a very relaxed, slow-motion memory? How did it feel, before, during, and after you spoke?
You can allow the feelings to flow through your body without trying to stop them. You can become more aware of them, without understanding them. (Like I said, I think understanding is very overrated.)
You don't have to fight the impulse to crack wise, and you don't have to give in to it, either. Just.... observe it, neutrally.
As you become more aware of it on the inside, maybe you'll notice more about the situations OUTSIDE that seem to trigger it.
But even if not, becoming more aware of the texture & details of these feelings may end up with you feeling cynical but being serious.
Just a thought.
poster:pseudoname
thread:638922
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/639197.html