Posted by DisposableDoll on April 30, 2006, at 9:31:10
Okay, I'll never get out what I REALLY want to right now, but here's a long winded start!
I need to get this out. I am sitting here crying again. It hurts to think of how much I’ve lost. I still love him and I miss the way he loved me. I miss having him around all of the time, as well. Please God, why is he doing this? Didn’t he tell me he’d never stop feeling that way? God. God. Don’t leave me here like this. I just want to live in the memory. I thought I smelled him. He smells like home. Smells like where I belong. I can still smell him and feel him. I want to hold him, I want him to hold me, REALLY hold me, tight, and have him love me. I want to feel it in his arms and in the air. I love him. I try to deny that I still care. I try to push away romantic and sexual thoughts of him sometimes and replace his image in my head with other men and women. It hurts so much. Oh, I can feel this hole.
I try to have these half-*ss relationships with other people because I am so lonely and I need someone to take the edge off of this loneliness....someone to distract me romantically and sexually....someone to crutch on. It won’t be the same, it won’t be nearly as good, but I need something, someone, just a little intimacy....but I don’t want too much if that is even possible. I just want someone to be something a bit more intimate than just friends with benefits, but I don’t want to be too close. I want to have someone to stick around for more than a one night stand, but I don’t want commitment. I am not looking to fall in love, but there should be caring, not just sex. *Sighs* I don’t want a serious relationship because I am single after all this time so why tie myself down to someone else right away and because I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend and because I am afraid of being too close and because it never lasts anyways so I don’t see the point and because I’m just jaded and because my ex-boyfriend and I are still somewhat sexually involved and because of other things as well. I do want something, though. Some half-a*s relationship, but I can’t even have that can I people? Can I? No. No, I can’t. *Sighs*
And I’ve been thinking about my T, and it hurts to think of how I want him and to think of what having him for a little while would be like when I know I can‘t have him, but it doesn’t hurt like thinking about how much I want my ex-boyfriend to love me again, so I try to concentrate on my T. I dreamed about him last night. I dreamed I was in the psych ward with some of my friends and he came to see me. My friends left and he started kissing my neck. I exposed my breasts to him and he put his mouth on my chest. I tried to talk him into a full fledged affair. My friends came back and interrupted us. I was upset because we were in the middle of something and they interrupted it. Also, I was upset because I wanted to know if it could progress and now they were here and I couldn’t ask him if he would have the affair with me and I had to sit there and wonder and worry about it. Then one of my friends started flirting with him and I got a little jealous. I wondered, will he touch her, too? I had another dream about him once before, but it was about rejection and by that I don’t mean romantically. It was about him not having time for me, period, but that was not true to life because he is really good at making time for me.
I tried to talk to a friend about it, but he upset me. While he was trying to help me fix things and trying to get me to be positive about life and to act on things and not dwell on my T and torture myself, I wanted him to see that even if I do try to fix things, in the meantime, I will still be hurting and lonely and love sick, Love sick for my ex and also somewhat wanting my T. He makes me feel like he doesn’t want to listen to me talk about anything negative, any negative emotions like sadness or doubt, and he doesn’t want to hear about my T because it’s impossible, I can’t do anything about it, and I’m not even trying to act on it. When I explained that I was afraid to act because I could lose him altogether and I needed him as a T, he said to just keep him as a T and put this other stuff behind me. When I said I am keeping quite but I still want him it is back to the, "either act on it or put it behind you" thing. So, I said I am trying to act on it subtly so it’s not so obvious as to scare him off, but I could possibly get him to think of me sexually (Dressing sexier, things of that nature). He didn’t understand that. He said he was tired of listening to it and I should talk to my female friends who might be more sympathetic. I told him he could be an *ss sometimes and I upset him and he hung up on me, which upset me even more. I just wanted someone to sympathize and listen and maybe play into my fantasy about my T a bit. I didn’t even mind if he didn’t play into it. If he was honest, fine, cause I need that sometimes, but I wanted him to understand that I can’t just FIX this. If I act on it, I could lose my T and I don’t want to risk that, but I’m not sure if I can just resolve to not think/feel romantically or sexually about him. And even if I could just make it a friendly feeling, I’d still have these feelings of needing him as a friend and needing his touch. And anyways, while I think I genuinely like him, it is true also that I think I NEED to think of him romantically in a way, so that I can take my thoughts off of my ex-boyfriend.
My friend told me to find someone else to obsess about, but I genuinely like my shrink and he actually reminds me in some ways of my ex and besides, I can’t just find someone else to obsess about. Most of the people around here are narrow minded *ss holes and I can’t stand them. Besides them, the people tend to want something that I don’t want- they either want just sex, no emotion, a one night stand, etc. or they want a serious monogamous relationship. I don’t want either. Well, I want a serious monogamous relationship with my last boyfriend, but not someone else. And besides the people who are jerks/repulsive to me, and the people that want something totally diff., there are a LOT of people around here who are kin to me (Small place and most locals don’t move away, they just have their families next to their own families, and few people move in here either), and besides them, the rest of the people tend to be unattainable, like my shrink. So, yeah there really is no one any better to obsess about and I like him, so there.
Let me tell you about the others that I have tried to have a half-*ss relationship with.
Well, there was this guy I liked that said he was attracted to me, and we were already sorta friends. Sounds like a good start, right? Well, he said he was SORT of in a relationship. By this, he explained he had found out his ex-gf whom he still loved was getting married, so he ran to stop her and he took her from her fiance. Well, shortly thereafter she decides she isn’t ready to handle this relationship because she’s got her job and this and that to deal with and she’s under so much pressure and stress that she needs some alone time to sort things out so she can give their relationship her full attention. So she wanted him to give her space, but acted as though she loved him and would be with him as soon as things calmed down and she got her life in order. They still talked on the phone, but she refused to see him in person.I knew the girl and I happened to know she was back with her fiance and just stringing this guy along. I pondered telling him, but I wasn’t sure whether to or not because I knew if I did, it would be PARTIALLY because of selfish reasons. I didn’t want him to be hurt (he said he loved her) and I had once been friends with the girl and still cared for her and felt some loyalty towards her. However, at the same time, I felt that he had been a good friend to me and she wasn’t really my friend anymore and she was doing him wrong and she didn’t really want him, she was engaged to someone else, and I was lonely. So, I told him I suspected she was doing it and I told him why. He said he had suspected that, but didn’t want it to be true. He said that he would investigate and if he found out she was with the fiance he would have to leave her because he couldn‘t handle that. He also said she was the only thing keeping him from being with me. So, I thought he’d look into it, see what she was doing, and then come for me. I was stupid and wrong.
We had phone sex. I was shy at the time, so he did most of the talking. I just masturbated on the phone to it, with him well aware of that. I knew he may not leave her and since I had mostly let him do the talking, I didn’t feel I had been as vulnerable or open with him as if I had, but still, it was intimate and since he was being dominate in his phone sex talk, I think that calls for some intimacy, too, to allow someone to speak to you that way and to let them know you are actually aroused by them being dominate, and we weren’t really that close so it made it harder to do and when I found out that his “investigating” that happened the next day, was simply to ask her if she was with the other guy, which she denied, OF COURSE, I felt strung along and hurt. He said he’d have to take her word for now.
Oh, and during this time she got jealous of the two of us even though for all she knew we were just talking, and I think she got afraid that I knew what she was doing and would rat her out so she confessed to being with the fiance and him at the same time and tried playing the pity card, but I am so used to her BS’ ing and to be honest my loneliness has made me selfish, confused, and immoral, plus I’d already told him that I REALLY thought she was with the fiance. I did do it partially for him, but I also did it for myself, I know. I now KNOW it to be true that she was with both of them, which I basically knew it to start with, but she has actually admitted it to me now. I knew if I told him that she actually confessed to me, that he might take my word on it as long as I said I knew for sure, but I didn’t bother to tell him she confessed to me. I had already told him I suspected it once, and he admitted he suspect it, but yet, he barely looked into it because he didn’t want to know. So, I let it go. I did however continue to flirt with him. He even touched me once, but I can’t blame him. I kept tempting him. He never did much, though, and I gave up on it. Plus, after the confession to me, she started actually seeing him again after months of making him stay away from her (about 4). He wanted a serious relationship anyways and I didn’t, but I thought if he knew what she was doing and left her, we could be lonely together and maybe he wouldn’t want to be too serious because he’d just lost the love of his life and I didn’t want to be either cause I’d just lost the love of my life, but we’re both romantic and since we’re friends already and we found each other attractive, it could be somewhat intimate.
Anyways, now that that’s over with, lemme say there was another guy I was becoming friends with and he liked me and I liked him and he had broken up with his girlfriend- NOT because of me- and he didn’t want a serious relationship this soon into being single after years with her, but he also didn’t want a one night stand and since we were already friends, there should be some intimacy I figured. Sounded like we wanted the same thing and we had an attraction to each other, so we went for it. Problem was, he was also with this other girl. Now, he wasn’t committed to her and she knew that he wasn’t, but he didn’t tell her about his relationship with me and neither did I. Thing is, I was starting to become friends with her. I knew that the two of them had no commitment to each other and he made it clear to her that it was just friends with benefits, but it bothered me that we were hiding it. And it also bothered me because I knew she was starting to really care about him and while she and I weren’t really good friends when it started out- we were just getting to know one another- I really started to care about her at some point while I was with him and I felt like a backstabbing two faced whore. Anyways, it was hard to get rid of him though because he was affectionate and I really craved that cuddling more than anything else when it came to being physical, and we were sort of friends, anyways and not only were we pretty compatible in bed, but we actually talked to each other about things. Plus, he said he was starting to fall for me. And I don’t know, I felt like I needed a crutch and he was the only crutch I had and I was becoming dependant upon him, but I ended up telling him we had to call it off because I loved the other girl he was with and I felt I was betraying her. I knew he wasn’t committed to her and that she had agreed to the deal, but I also knew she didn’t like the deal and I couldn’t be with him when I felt the way I did about her. I told him I didn’t want to continue, but we could remain friends. So, that ended that situation. Anyways, I later got the feeling the guy was actually a bit of a sociopath, anyways, but that is a story in and of itself.
Well, guess what? I feel a certain amount of love for that girl as my friend. I don’t love her romantically, but not only do I care for her as a friend, but part of me thinks I would like to make love with her. I think she cares about me as a friend and I kind of think she is attracted to me a little, too, but she is in love with this sociopath jerk and I feel I have no right to touch her after what I’ve done. Part of me wants to tell her as her friend and as the girl who is kinda crushin on her, that this guy is not exactly who she thinks. I want to tell her of what he has done and said. Of course, I guess I’ve not been who she’s thought either, but it’s just because of the situation I was in combined with the fact that when it started I barely knew her and I knew they weren’t committed. However, with my love for her the way it is now, I wouldn’t do her that way right now. I broke it off because of her.
Well, there was another guy, but he is too distant really as far a physical locale goes. I also got a crush on another guy, but he has shown no interest in my flirting and he is practically a hermit, shutting himself away for months at a time. So, no go. I was also talking to this one guy, and so was my friend, but I am not strongly attracted to him- only somewhat. Also, in talking it seemed we liked the same stuff sexually, but in practice we seemed utterly incompatible in bed. Plus, I like his personality to some degree, but he just isn’t what I’m looking for and besides, my friend and him were also having a friends with benefits thing going and she is falling for him and I don’t want to come in between the two of them. Besides, he’s done things to make me not trust him. There was also this girl…..but I don’t think I want to have a relationship of any sort with her right now, beyond friendship, for reasons that are too complex to get into now and besides, things happened and we sort of fell apart, anyways.
That leaves, um, my T, whom I’ve been interested in for awhile now. I think about what he’d be like in bed. I don’t mean that simply physically. I mean it in the sense of what he would be feeling, what he would say, etc. I know he’d be gentle with me. I mean that emotionally. Physically, I don’t mind getting rough in bed. I like it sometimes. I think he would care about me while he was having sex with me. I need that. I care about him, too. I would like to have him, just for a little while. Just once. I want him to show me love physically. I know sex doesn’t equal love, but love can be expressed physically and I need him to show me love emotionally and physically and without any holds barred…..completely open. I wish he would give himself to me and that he would have me completely, just once.
After everything that has happened, I don’t feel like I deserve to touch my ex again, but this breakup was his decision and it is his decision not to be with me right now and I’m lonely and confused, but I still love him. Sometimes, I don’t even understand why I am having sex. At first, I craved the cuddling most of all, and I regretted the sex. It was too intimate and too far, I thought. Cuddling could be just platonic. Sleeping with someone else seemed horrible. Yet, I learned that sex means almost nothing to me with these people because it is loveless. Actually, with the last guy I was just going through the motions. And the cuddling seems so intimate that I can’t stand it now. I couldn’t stand for the last guy to cuddle with me. It seemed like a lie. We didn’t love each other….not close. His gentle cuddling touch repulsed me somehow. Somehow, I don’t feel like I am worthy of my counselor touching me, either.
Please help me. I am so lonely and hurt. I still love my ex-boyfriend. I feel so confused and disillusioned. I feel so jaded. I feel abandoned by him to a degree and I feel abandoned by my father COMPLETELY. I feel unlovable for several reasons. I feel so ALONE. I know there are much worse things and situations, but it still hurts and I’m still empty. I feel so needy. I’m too needy. I feel crazy with the things I do sometimes. Hold me Lover. Hold me Daddy. Hold me Friend. Hold me, my T. Hold me, God.
poster:DisposableDoll
thread:638360
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/638360.html