Posted by Tamar on April 26, 2006, at 9:13:43
In reply to Thank you Tamar, posted by one woman cine on April 26, 2006, at 7:48:40
Hi one woman cine,
Thanks for your reply. I’m very sorry you were stalked. I’ve heard it’s a very violating experience and very frightening. And it must feel very strange to know that you show up in the dreams and fantasies of people you’ve never met, just because your partner is treating them. I can imagine it would make you feel uneasy, especially when some of these people intrude into your private space. I don’t want to minimise that at all; of course you are alarmed when that happens.
I think it must be very complicated being the partner of a therapist because of course she knows all these clients and all their stories and perhaps can understand what’s going on in their minds when they phone your home, but of course you don’t have that knowledge of them. You’re a little removed from the situation. So I imagine it must be harder for you to handle than for your partner. And being stalked by someone you don’t know, but who has some kind of emotional attachment to your partner, must be devastating.
I can’t speak for anyone else here, but I’ll admit that I’m very curious about my therapist’s partner. I imagine her as a very interesting, intelligent and sweet person, because I want my therapist to have a partner who is good for him. If I saw them together in a mall or something I suspect the temptation to follow them for a little while would be overwhelming. I want to know something about her because she’s so important to him. I don’t want to steal him away from her, and I don’t want to hurt either of them, but my curiosity is sometimes profound. I know their home phone number (I found it on google) but I can’t imagine ever calling. But on the other hand, I think I’d find it difficult to make a promise that I’d never ever call. I hope I will never call. I hope I will always be able to persuade myself that calling would be wrong and intrusive. But I also know my dark side. I would like to be a good person, but sometimes I do bad things. I’m not proud of it, but I know I can’t ever promise to be completely good.
And I guess that’s the grey area into which this discussion inevitably falls. It’s hard to distinguish between boundaries around feelings and boundaries around action. It’s hard to understand how feelings of love can be useful and healthy but that those feelings can only be appropriately expressed within certain limits. It seems almost paradoxical to me that I’m allowed to love my therapist but I’m not allowed to phone him at home or hug him or buy him a book. When I think about the limits, it feels as though my desires must be bad; as if my feelings of love must be bad. And I feel bad and disgusting for wanting things that he doesn’t seem to want. And although my rational side understands the necessity of boundaries, my emotional side finds it incredibly hurtful. At the same time I want so desperately to believe that he loves me as much as I love him; that he’d be pleased to hear from me if I phoned him, or pleased to see me at the mall or whatever. I want to believe that I’m loveable to him. I want to believe he’d always be happy to see me, in any circumstances. It’s hard to believe that the love that we do in therapy can’t be replicated outside his office.
No one should stalk you. And no one should intrude into your private life. Unfortunately, it’s probably inevitable that some clients won’t be able to control their impulses. That doesn’t make it OK for them to phone you at home or follow you. I don’t know how other partners of therapists deal with that. Ideally clients would deal with it by exploring their desires and wishes in therapy. But the shame involved makes it so hard to address. I wish there were an easy solution.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:634800
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/637169.html