Posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:09:33
Quick background: I was on vacation last week with my husband and 2 children. The day before I left, I had a therapy appt. My T asked some specific questions about my trip. I asked, "So are you going there too?" Yes, she was going to the same area, our planes left at the same time, but luckily, we were flying different carriers.
While I was away, I mulled over our last session, feeling increasingly angry. Why did she wait until the last possible minute to tell me? What would she do if we were on the same plane? ... and the same row? Or the same resort?
Everytime I left my resort, I became so self-conscious with the fear that I might run into her.
So now we're both back, and today was my first appointment.
T: So how was your vacation?
Me: Okay (pause) I had a hard time coming here today.
T: Tell me about that - why it's so hard.
Me: I'm angry that you waited until the last minute to tell me we were going to the same city for our vacation. My anxiety was so high at the airport, baggage claim and public places. (While I was rattling my list, she was saying, "I'm so sorry.")
T: What would happen if I did see you?
Me: That isn't the point.
T: I didn't realize that we were leaving on the same day until recently. When I thought about it, I knew it wasn't easy for either of us to change our airplane reservations, so that wasn't an option. I kept thinking what were the chances we could be on the same plane. So I had to ask you to prepare you for the possibility. But what would happen if I did see you?
Me: I told you that I would acknowledge you and move on, protecting your privacy and boundries. But you never told me how you would respond. You could have ignored me, and that would have felt rejecting.
T: I would not ignore you. I would have said "Hello" but I would not have suggested we meet for dinner or something.
(I found that last remark insulting, of course I wouldn't meet for dinner. I was dying just over the possibility of meeting her at baggage claim!!)
T: I know you are upset. But I think the bigger picture is how vulnerable you are around woman judging you - how you look, what you are wearing, how are you kids behaving... I am not that person and I think you have a hard time believing that.
Me: I don't know if you don't tell me.
T: I tell you all the time. [And here is the part that kills me - as I smile typing it - because she was almost kind - but falls way short and acts so clinical instead] I feel warmly towards you. [me thinking inside my head - "warmly"? is she kidding, of all the adjectives in the world, that's the one she uses? ]
T: We have invested a lot of time into this big project that we are working on together.
She right. She has told me in the past that she likes me, cares about me, etc. I'll have to keep those memories closer to my heart than the "warm" comment. But my poor T, she cannot win for losing. I am so hard on her. I do see that. But can't I long for the perfect T who always knows just the perfect thing to say or do?
I am glad I went. I'm glad I didn't cancel. (Thanks Falls) And most of all, I am glad that she is my T, even though she isn't perfect.
poster:annierose
thread:636646
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/636646.html