Posted by orchid on December 26, 2005, at 20:59:37
In reply to I would like to address some statements by » orchid, posted by crazy teresa on December 26, 2005, at 16:07:40
Hi Crazy T.
I do appreciate your view points. But here are my thoughts.
Like it or not, the truth of the matter is that it is a cultural issue. In my country, lot of men do beat their wives - atleast slap. And most wives do take it. I am not saying I am supporting abuse. But getting a divorce is not also a realistic option many times around here. Most women don't have financial freedom, and the society will not support them if they get a divorce. They will be looked down upon, and around here, a woman cannot jsut live independantly in an apartment. The culture just won't permit it. You will be abused by more men if you are living alone, than if you are staying in a marriage.
But the spirit of what I was trying to say is, that right now, I don't feel it necessary to leave my marriage. I am not saying all indian women should tolerate abuse or that everybody should tolerate abuse. But I do think each situation needs to be analyzed according to its own merits and demerits, and one rule fits all probably doesn't apply here.
And besides I get really scared of sleeping alone at night. I get terrified. Who will comfort me when I am all alone? And all my friends are married. Who will I hang out with? And even if I hang out with someone, who would really care about me when I am sick or ill or am afraid or feel lonely? For instance, I have rheumatoid arthritis, and many days, the pain is unbearable at night. Somedays I am not even able to walk. My husband carries me to the bathroom, applies pain balm, comforts me, makes me sleep on his lap etc. I have been alone with my pain before, where I couldn't even eat or brush or comb my teeth before. Well, none of my friends really came and stayed with me to help me out. I hope you get the point. It is not only a cultural issue, but also due to my physical and psychological limitations.
I am not saying having a husband makes me more valuable, but I do think, both men and women become complete when they have each other. It is just a fact of life, and while I do agree that you shouldn't stay in a abusive marriage, I also think one shouldn't leave a marriage easily wihtout giving it all the efforts possible.
It is true people rationalize themselves into staying in an abusive marriage by inventing all possible excuses. But the statistics say that divorce is much more common in the US than it is in India. And people do have much more freedom to leave their spouses than they are in India. And people from other culture have to take that into account before they plan their actions.
Regarding staying an an example to my cousins etc, and my family, well that is only a secondary consideration. If I ever think my marriage's disadvantages outweighs the advantages significantly, I would leave. Most likely. But right now, the advantages are just so very much higher than the disadvantages.
Besides, I do believe in my husband's inherent good will. IF I didn't believe in that, I wouldn't be staying with him. I do believe he is a nice person at heart, and with patience and teaching him the right ways, he will change. If I think he will continue to abuse me, I will leave. But I do not think so. HE actively tries to learn, and change and grow. I do judge him fairly with an open mind. He has grown up so much in the past few months, and he continues to change for the better. So I am hoping that with patience, it will really work out very well.
If that fact changes any day, and if I see he is becoming more abusive, I will leave. I do have the capacity to have a good job, I have saved quite a bit of money in my own bank account. And I have the necessary status to go back to the US if I need to. So I have taken as much precaution as possible.
But I don't think it will ever come to that state.
poster:orchid
thread:588054
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051216/msgs/592309.html