Posted by antigua on November 6, 2005, at 10:08:04
In reply to Re: I Made It! » antigua, posted by Pfinstegg on November 5, 2005, at 10:56:44
You know, I hate to say this, but I'm not really sure how much my T had to do with this, except that she was really there when I needed it. Always. I called her when I needed to and I had twice weekly sessions instead of holding it all in week to week. She was wonderful, and perhaps I'm not giving her the credit she is due, but maybe I was just leaning on her more than usual, which does indicate trust. We have had trust issues forever, but I could not let that get in the way because I hurt so badly and was suffering so very much.
So what happened? When I was rejected by the man who wouldn't give me the hug, I realized that his rejection was playing out my father's final rejection. As I said earlier, I hadn't seen my father for more than a year and when I saw him again, I was the awkward, pre-teen girl. He had no use for me anymore (sexually, I guess) and his rejection (oh, you're fat, I didn't get you a birthday present, I have a new woman and family now--sounds kind of silly, now) when he came to visit was a mixture of sexual rejection and a rejection of my love. He didn't need me that way anymore, and I interpreted that as sexual, which of course if he didn't want me sexually, he didn't love me anymore either. Not sure I'm explaining it right.
So I took this man's rejection (total rejection, he won't even speak to me now, not even polite conversation, he looks through me like I don't exist--try dealing w/that, it was awful--I took it as a sexual rejection. So I learned that rejection from men is rooted in my father's sexual rejection. I don't know, when I put two and two together and realized what a jerk this guy was (as if I weren't sexually attractive to him, ergo he could never love me)I realized how twisted I had made this. He made me mad and I came home and beat a wire fence with a padded bat for an hour (my arm still hurts), I was able to let some of the rage out.
This guy rejected me. So what. He's a jerk. He has his own issues obviously and while I may trigger things in him, the power I was giving him over my self-woth was way out of proportion.
So I took my power back and all my longing feelings for him are gone, knowing that the love/attraction I felt was for my father, not him. (Although I really did think he was a great guy; in some ways, he probably is but I was way too much for him).The breakthrough was that I didn't know this rejection from my father existed, and how it has played out throughout my life. My T pointed out that when the few men I have been interested in (maybe only two in my entire life, based on their similarities to my father) rejected me, I took the rejection first as sexual. As if my sexuality was a tool for love, or so I thought. It was sexuality, not love. Now that I can separate them out, I can see my needs clearer. To make them love me, they had to sexually want me, which they never have.
I'm not exactly sure how my understanding of my father's rejection--and the huge role that I didn't even know it was playing/controlling my life--helped me release the feelings of longing, love, desire, etc. (little girl feelings for my father) for this other man, but the feelings are just about gone and I see his rejection as his own issue. I wasn't asking for an affair or anything like that, so his reaction was way out of proportion, too.
The other thing I learned is that these men I pick, (first of all they are unavailable) and maybe most people in general I don't know, had a steel wall that they are not going to let me broach. They will not allow me to have feelings for them. It is their defense. I've learned that my dysfunctional defense has always been to leave myself defenseless, so that I can be hurt. It's as if I am saying, I am here, totally defenseless because I believe in the inherent goodness of people and good people don't hurt one another. I was making them prove that to me. Well, of course, they never did, they had defenses of their own. I combatted w/no defenses and ended up being hurt. How could I not be hurt? I wasn't protecting myself in anyway. I loved them and I assumed that they would never hurt me. Just a repeat pattern of what I hoped about my father, but it was never true, so I've left myself exposed to be hurt over and over again.
I don't want steel walls, it's not my style, but I do have to find a way to protect myself, to not throw myself completely into trusting someone not to hurt me when there is no basis for thinking that they won't, other than my delusion that I care about them and they couldn't possibly hurt me.
I know this confusing, but I'm still trying to understand it. Also, this episode has allowed me to see my father as someone other than that person I loved so very much. It has opened up the possibility that I may see him as the monster he was, in addition to the good father.
Sorry for being so long. There's just a lot to think about.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:575418
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/575951.html