Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 7:54:35
In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2005, at 17:10:19
though to be fair i probably never did.
it is just that things have changed now...
well. over the past couple weeks i suppose.
and i don't know
i don't know
i
don't
know
i don't know how to see myself anymore
how to think of myself
what is wrong with me
the question i've compulsively asked from when i was little
ever since i can remember
what is wrong with me?
because something is wrong
i can feel that
i can
but i don't know what it is.
and answers...
the answers came thick and fast
a new answer every month
at least thats how it felt like
though each answer flowed into the next i suppose
a progressive deterioration
a complete breakand getting out of that was the hardest thing i've ever done
though thats just that particular hole
its not any better than how it was when i was a kid
its notbut it doesn't matter anymore
and that hurts
but then it always has i suppose
and what are you going to do?
there isn't anything to be done...and i feel really scaired sometimes
because i am unstable
and i can't afford to be
and all it takes is an episode or two
and thats it
game over
and what are you going to do?
there isn't anything to be done...the trouble with community mental health is that...
you know it is just so much b*llshit really
because while they say i function too highly to qualify for treatment now...
its not so long ago that they said i functioned too poorly and that because i hadn't progressed with the treatment i had been given it was pointless offering me any more...
excuses
thats all
because they don't care
because they don't have to live with it
because they don't have to live with me
because they don't have to live with my pain
what does it matter to them?
it doesn't matter at all.
its of little consequence really.and i struggle sometimes
i really struggle just to get through the day
but thats of little consequence
and i think of all those days when i was really struggling and i just kept thinking
why are they taking so long?
and i was right
my worst fear
they had forgotten me
or at least...
they were trying to forget
and they were ignoring me on purpose
and i suffered through...
and he laughs and tells me that i function okay without contact from the service
and i say he hasn't assessed that
and he says its there in my file
and of course thats months old
but it doesn't matter
because its just an excusei still get the urge to throw a tantrum
to hurt them
to hurt him
he enjoyed that
the sick bastard
he actually enjoyed it
i said... at one point i said that it must be hard for him... for the load to be chucked on him for him to have to tell me that i was terminated
and he laughed
there was a lot of that
he laughed and said he didn't mind it at all
that it was part of his job
and there it was
and he did enjoy it
and i can seethat it is punishment
or something...
and they have been trying to get rid of me for years...
and even when i hurt myself
even when i hurt myself real bad
nobody came
nobody came
until the medical ward refused to discharge me and required a psych assessment
(they didn't want to get in trouble in case there was a repeat)
but they didn't care
because of course...
they want me dead
or something...i still feel the rage
i still feel the pain
part of me doesn't understand how they can do this to me
another part knows thats life
welcome to the real world
you don't really think anybody gives a f*ck.
no
things are changing...i imagine... i'm going to have to stop babbling.
i don't know what is going to happen with me.
i don't know what to do.
i'm frightened.
i don't want to mess up
but i'm unstable
and i really do think...
that messing up is inevitable
its part of my life
i just can't seem to function at times
and there it is.and yeah...
i thought what they offered me was hope
but its not hope
most certainly not anymore
and sometimes the prospect of prison isn't so bad when i really contemplate what i could do to them first...
because...
i'm going to mess up at some point at any rate
its inevitable
and then what am i going to do?
i get one shot...
one shot
and i'm not really ready
i wanted to be
i wanted to be so much
because the opportunity means everything to me
everything in the world
and i want it i want to do it i want to do well at it more than anything else in the world
but i'm not ready
and...
i probably never will be
and there it is.and thats what they have been telling me
that i can't do it
that i can't do it
and turns out they are right really...because a fact about me is that i can't function very well sometimes.
and a fact about life is that sometimes...
thats unacceptable.and there it is.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:563562
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/572993.html