Posted by messadivoce on February 18, 2005, at 3:27:32
Anyone read any of Jennifer Weiner's stuff? She's one of the best fiction writers out there, IMHO. She's got a line in her latest book, "Little Earthquakes" that I can really identify with. Something about how just when you think everything's secure, you get shaken up. And how there are fault lines everywhere, even though we can't see.
It's 1am, and I'm up, pondering how things are going to go from here, and how I'm going to get through. I had a moment of incredible weakness about 5pm today, wanting to call my T (who I guess is no longer my T??? I don't know) and just hear her voice. But I talked myself out of it (maybe she's eating dinner, etc). Will I cave in and call tomorrow? Who knows. I want to give myself permission (she said it would be okay) but I'm torn between being stoic and being dependent.
I didn't realize how dependent on her I really was until I got that call from her on Monday. I'm so afraid. And angry too. At her, at my school, at anyone who had anything to do with this. And I feel absolutely cheated. It's SO NOT FAIR. I get SO JEALOUS when I read about people getting to stay with a T for YEARS as opposed to the 8 crappy months I got with T1, and the 4 months I got with T2. I'm sorry guys, but it's true. Who decided that I'm so strong that I can bear this?? Who decided that I don't deserve stability??
I'm mad at T1, too, for no apparent reason except that he left me as well. And he ENCOURAGED me to go back to treatment, and this is what happened!!! SO WHAT if he didn't know what was going to happen. He shouldn't have left me in the first place!!! I still NEEDED him.
I feel so utterly lost. What do I do now? Helplessness is such a horrible thing. I will be helpless in this meeting I attend with the VP, because after all, the damage has been done. All she has to do is sit there and make like she cares and then when I leave, it won't matter. Because the damage is done! Why am I even doing this? I'm so scared they are going to tell me that this is my T's fault, or that I should just find another T, that they won't understand and that it'll be like talking to my dad all over again. I'm afraid I'll cry. I can't cry, whatever I do.
At least I still have a recording of T2's voice on my machine. I wish I had one of T1, or even his voice mail. God, I feel so cheated! I feel like I'm regressing back into grief for him. Does he think about me? Does he wonder how my treatment is going? Would he want to know what a disaster it turned out to be?
poster:messadivoce
thread:459738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/459738.html