Posted by jujube on February 11, 2005, at 23:54:00
In reply to Now I'm being nauseatingly idealizing, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:34:01
Neither of my parents were drinkers, and I don't even remember seeing either of them drink in front of my brothers and I more than a couple of times (and, even then, they did not get drunk). Nevertheless, I still stuggle, at times, with trying to reconcile my feelings for both of my parents. In all honesty, I would have to say that neither were particularly good parents, and looking back (which I rarely do), they really didn't try too hard to be. My dad had a violent temper and was prone to rages (although he wasn't physically abusive with me), and made it clear on many occasions that he didn't want to be with us and couldn't "stand us anymore" (he stayed nonetheless). So, the verbal and emotional abuse was trying at times. My mom was really emotionally absent and bascially shut down in an attempt to self-preserve. Sometimes she shut down so much that at 8 or 9, I was teaching myself how to do the laundry so that I would have clean clothes for school and clean towels for baths. There were no hugs, no "I love you"s and little, if any, praise. Nevertheless, I love my parents, but as human beings that I have come to know and accept in spite of their faults and shortcomings. I didn't really have a relationship with my dad until I was in my really early 20s when my parents finally split up. Now I see my dad as more of a friend than a father - someone who I like spending time with (we go out for dinner, to concerts, skiing, etc.). He has changed so much. He still has a temper (he's very much a type "A"), but he has learned to control it, so it is no longer scary or embarrassing being around him.
I don't idealize my dad because, as disrespectful as this may sound, I don't think, as a father, he deserves it. But, I like the person he has become, and I'm glad that I was willing, in my own mind, to "give him a second chance" and be friends with him.
Well, I have gone off on a irrelevant tangent, but it felt good to unload.
poster:jujube
thread:456043
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/456616.html