Posted by gardenergirl on January 6, 2005, at 0:07:15
Ugh ugh ugh
I didn't go to my session today. I am not really sure why. Practically speaking, I had a terrible night last night. I was up til about five a.m. doing mindless things instead of going to bed. I suppose I was avoiding thinking about or feeling *something*, but I am not sure what. So, about the time I needed to get up to get ready to leave was prime sleeping time for me.
But then again, I've been able to get up and go to work and other appointments without a problem. Here's the thing: when I am at my worst with depression, I tend to sleep a ton. I can't get out of bed in the morning, I am chronically late or even just don't go to class or wherever.
I did a few no-shows early on in the therapy process. I have also cancelled once or twice due to illness. But I've been pretty good over the last several months about being relatively on time and such.
At work, I am not usually late. Okay, not late in that I am not late for a scheduled appointment, but I don't always get there at 8:30 if I don't have a client that early. Usually I am there by nine. At any rate, I have no difficulty getting out of bed to go to work.
But I've been late to my therapy sessions every week now for the last several, dating back to just before the holidays, I think. And late cause I just lie in bed and can't make myself get out. So today, I just didn't. Worse, I didn't call. I rationalized it to myself that I am the first appointment, and the phones don't open up til just before I come in, anyway. You can't leave a message. That really doesn't make sense, but that's why I said I didn't bother to call.
Okay, enough blathering. I feel like a turd. Now I have to email him (or I suppose I could call) and apologize and ask if he has anymore time this week. Ugh. I really do want to process this with him. I actually tried to process me being late more and more with him a couple of sessions ago, and I wondered aloud if I might be resisting something. But he didn't go there. He never talks about my being late, perhaps cause he's a late person, too. And he admits it. So maybe he feels odd dealing with this in me cause he does it too.
You know, this might have started not long after that session when I relived that body memory and just had racking sobs and loads of pre-verbal pain. At times I feel like, gee, that was very therapeutic...I need to get back to that and do more of that (crazy, I know, cause who wants to feel that?) And perhaps part of me doesn't want to go there. Heck, I don't know. When I try to talk about being stuck and afraid in/of the process, he thinks it's a smokescreen for whatever the process might bring out.
Is any of this making any sense at all?
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:438373
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/438373.html