Posted by littleone on January 5, 2005, at 15:15:18
4 days until I slam into the accident anniversary.
I feel compelled to go to the site to see if certain people turn up. The guy who died lives in another state with his mum & dad (lives??? I meant lived) and was just up visiting his aunty. Last year the aunty and uncle turned up at the site.
I had been sitting in my car cutting up magazines (don't ask...too nutty) and had been trying to work up to getting out. Then they turned up and I was just fixated on them. I couldn't get out and go to them. So I was basically spying on people grieving. How sick is that.
The dead guy's mother must have gotten my name and address off the cops or off the accident report, because she wrote me this huge long letter about 6 months after the accident. Telling me all this stuff about the dead guy. I wanted to write back and at the very least acknowledge I got her letter, but all my attempts were just so pathetically lame. So she hasn't heard boo from me.
So part of me is hoping she'll be there at the site this year. I'm also hoping the driver will be there. So I don't want to avoid the site in case they do turn up and I miss them. But even if I did see them there, I'd probably hide in my car like last year.
I don't have any words in me for them. Nothing I can say will make things better. In fact, knowing me, I'll say things all wrong and make them even worse. Especially now. I'm doing everything wrong with my T gone.
My T doesn't want me to go to the site. Want's me to stay right away. By going there I'm making it all more important than what it really is. These sort of accidents happen every single day. The only reason this one is special is because it happened to me. Kind of like sh*t happens, get over it.
But I need to see them. I need to know that the driver hasn't offed himself or whatever. I need something from them, but I don't know what. Can't bare to look into myself like that.
Sometimes I think I just want to not say a word. Just go up to them and hug them and just kind of communicate through osmosis. But it would never work out like that for me. I hate touch at the best of times.
What can you say to a mother when you've seen the instant her boy turned into a lump of meat? What can you say to the driver who had that lump of meat plastered on his windscreen? Nothing makes it better.
poster:littleone
thread:438157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/438157.html