Posted by Larry Hoover on December 29, 2004, at 9:21:48
In reply to Boundaries, posted by littleone on December 28, 2004, at 15:29:54
> Do you think I'm right in my thinking about the boundary stuff, or am I right in thinking that he's just doing this because he cares and if someone wants to care about you, you should just let them? My gut says he's not respecting my boundaries and it feels wrong, so I guess I'm supposed to go with that.
If I may speak from my experience with setting boundaries....
One of the hardest lessons I learned is that boundaries are best left flexible. A rigid boundary can block me from experiencing the unexpected (such as a gift despite a "rule" against it), and it can also keep me imprisoned in the same rigid framework.
When I first put up boundaries, they were like fenceposts buried deep in the ground. There wasn't any way to move them. Like a property line between feuding neighbours.
My boundaries today still have the same amount of fencepost sticking out of the ground, but the bottom of the post is sitting on a little flat board (like you have under a christmas tree). I can move my boundaries around to fit the circumstances in which I find myself. I make sure that the stuff I want "out there" is still on the other side of the fence, but I also make sure that there are gates in fence.
My take on what you're describing is that your brother was hurt that your boundary took Christmas away from the two of you. Giving him some kind of exception does not invalidate your boundary, if you yourself recognize that you're making an exception just for him. And for yourself, do you have some regret that you don't have some kind of recognition of Christmas between brother and sister? Just an open question to consider. Maybe part of your ambivalence is that you cut off an avenue of communication with your sib.
When you're the first person in a dysfunctional family to begin a process of healing, of boundary creation, of attribution of personal responsibilities, it seems like you're doing all the work. Maybe you are, at first. It's hard not to have some sort of expectation that the rest of the family might catch on to the same ideas that you're starting to catch onto. But here, you can lead by example.
Just doing it differently this year was noticed. Count on that. Expect to have people wonder why you made this choice. Expect the odd bump in the road of understanding. You may want to think about how you're going to answer the inevitable questions. Your answer should respect boundaries, too. If you succeed in putting respect back into the dynamic, others are going to want more of that.
I admire your courage. One step at a time.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:434385
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/435256.html