Posted by Larry Hoover on November 5, 2004, at 7:32:05
In reply to Re: Memories *could be a trigger, about dead people* » sunny10, posted by gardenergirl on November 4, 2004, at 23:05:35
> So, are you dependent on abusers? No. But many if not most people who are abused DO get something out of the relationship. If you got nothing but abuse, clearly you wouldn't continue the relationship. In the case of a child, the child literally is dependent on the abuser. For adults, it's harder to pin down what needs are being met. But something is there.
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> Does this make sense?
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> Take care,
> ggIt's hard to know any more if my thoughts are original in the slightest, or if I've borrowed them all from others, but I think that there is a tendency to go to the familiar. All abusers share a common characteristic, conditional love. They want you to be a certain way (even if it's just to take the abuse and STFU). Unconsciously, and carried over from a child's perspective, you think that might be a reasonable deal. To get love, I've got to be a certain way.
Another unfortunate aspect of this acceptance of conditional love is that it can make you reject someone who does not require this quid pro quo. A person capable of unconditional love may seem to be distant, even rejecting, if you don't know what healthy boundaries are. He's respecting, and you feel he's rejecting. Even a negative reaction is better than nothing.
When you're getting to know someone, I think you are assessing the kind of subtext, the unspoken part of how things work. I think another aspect of co-dependency can also get in the way at that point. If you've got unfinished business (often with a parent), something you want to fix, to do over, you may seek out a partner that is similar enough that you get that 'do over'. A friend of mind calls that "reliving the drama".
Co-dependency is sometimes depicted as two overlapping circles. In the overlap area, you have a blurring together of identities, and with that, responsibilities. Without boundaries, it is possible for one individual to become responsible for the other person's acts or thoughts. That's not a healthy way for things to be, IMHO.
It takes a lot of effort to change the unconscious things we do without thinking. You first need to figure out "what's wrong with this picture", i.e. you need to know what needs changing, before you can develop ways to change it.
A lot of people get to that point and come to the realization that the work in changing those things is too much for them, without realizing that most of the work has already been done. The hardest part isn't changing things, it's in figuring out what it is that needs changing at all.
So, back to the example of you're getting to know someone, and you're starting to feel that tug of the heart.....It's time to figure out if what you're feeling is, "I know this way of being. I know how this works.", or, "....
I couldn't think of what to say for the alternative. I'm still a work in progress. I think I'm better at knowing what I don't want to have again, though. I've set up some boundaries, maybe not much more than lines in the sand, but at least I know to stay over here instead of going over there.
Boundaries only work if they help you to do things differently. "I won't be talked to like that." "I don't owe anyone an explanation." "My feelings are not subject to debate." "Nobody hits me, ever." And then, acting on your belief.
I guess that's my 2¢ for today.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:409684
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041104/msgs/412023.html