Posted by fallsfall on October 20, 2004, at 7:00:36
In reply to Re: How much better do you have to be???, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2004, at 2:48:01
That is quite a list, Dinah.
Your list has 2 major crises (Supporting your husband through his mother's major illness, and helping your parents transition from being self-sufficient to being dependent - as well as actually doing most of the things that they can no longer do) in addition to the "normal" stuff (being wonderful for your son and getting work done).
One of those crises would throw anyone for a loop. The two at once is too much for anyone.
Yes, you have to still be a mom, and you still have to work. But just like you are picking up the slack for your husband, perhaps your mothering and working can be *temporarily* not quite as good as they usually are. Maybe your son can understand that what *he* can do to help his grandparents is to pick up his toys without an argument (he could even write grandparents a letter telling them how he is being extra cooperative and asking if that helps them feel better [I bet it would help them feel better...]). I'm not saying that you should make it his problem - just that *everyone* in the family can adjust a little during a crisis.
Similarly with your work. Yes, you do still need to work and produce. But this is the time period when you might take a sick day (because your parents/inlaws are sick!!!) to recoup a little. Most workplaces have some level of flexibility (or coworkers might be willing to help out in your time of need) for major life crises.
I can see that you *do* have to support your husband and your parents. I guess I just wish that you could accept "just barely good enough" or "temporarily almost good enough" in some of the other areas of your life.
Use paper plates (I did for 9 months, it really did help!). Your son would be thrilled to have Mac & Cheese for dinner. Vacuum half as often as you usually do. When someone says "Oh my goodness, Dinah, you have so much going on - how can I help?" think of someway they can help!!! (Maybe they could pick a couple of things up for you at the grocery store? Or maybe your son could go to their house to play for a couple of hours - so he would have a less stressful environment and you won't have the noise and mess for a couple of hours (I'm sure he wouldn't mind going to play somewhere!). Maybe a friend/neighbor who loves to garden would be willing to rake leaves for you for an hour. You aren't going to ask them to clean your bathrooms, but there are some things you might find that they wouldn't mind doing that could take some of the pressure off of you.
And see your therapist when you need to (not when you think you *should* need to). You really DO have a lot going on right now. Cut yourself a little slack.
poster:fallsfall
thread:404365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/405045.html