Posted by Racer on October 18, 2004, at 12:34:22
In reply to Re: Disordered behaviour (eating) » Racer, posted by antigua on October 15, 2004, at 15:21:58
Thank you. I never think I've expressed myself very well, so it's always a real boost to be told that someone else thinks I have.
And the funny part is that I don't think I'm all that fat at 140! In fact, I "feel" fatter now, at [mumble] than I do at 145 -- which is about the best weight I've found for myself, and also what Dr CattleProd thinks is right for me. I don't know what happens to me, but I suspect that it's just a lack of that same obsessional focus when I'm at a healthier weight. I also suspect that it has something to do with my brain being starved of nutrients, so I can't think past something as simple as my weight.
Oh, well -- the worst part for me is how many times I've given my "healthy body weight/healthy eating/Strong Women/beautiful, feminine body" speech to other women and to girls. I've worked so hard to recognize signs of eating disorders in my students, and in other women around m;, I've tried -- and often succeeded -- in modelling healthier attitudes about food and weight and body shape; and I've been pretty damned healthy around it for a long time. Now, though, I know that I'm not anywhere near healthy, my husband reminds me periodically that I look "terrible", and I can feel how weak I've become -- especially compared to what I was! I used to do all the heavy work around here, because I was so much stronger than my husband. I could lift and carry very nearly my own weight without a lot of difficulty. I could climb ladders up to the very top of our cathedral ceiling and change the smoke detectors up at the peak. Now, though, it's hard even to push a shopping cart with bottled water at Costco -- which weighs about twice what I weigh, but it is on wheels. Getting the water into the trunk of the car is enough to exhaust me, too. For that matter, my husband has to get the cases of water out of the cabinet where they're stored, for me to put into the refrigerator, because I can no longer do it myself. And I used to be STRONG! I could bench press almost as much as a lot of men at one time, almost my body weight.
Ah, well. I guess it's part of being 'sick' -- and why it's a good thing I have Dr CattleProd and SparklingBright.
Thanks again, Antigua, for the compliment. I do save those up, and take them out to warm me when I'm cold.
poster:Racer
thread:402879
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/404416.html