Posted by spoc on April 23, 2004, at 18:50:10
In reply to To: spoc, posted by shadows721 on April 23, 2004, at 17:18:59
> What's really going on here with all the psychoanalyzing therapy and the therapists? I think there is something deeper going on with you. >
> Let's just get honest here. Are you getting what you need from therapy? >
---I'm not in therapy, and had weird experiences during all of my short-lived attempts in my lifetime. Not running when things got painful, just unfortunate "technical" problems that really couldn't be worked out, such as those mentioned previously; and one bad mismatch.
---
> Where are your feelings? What is really going on with you? I think all this psychoanalyzing is a form of resistance and a diversion from your core issue. I think you are avoiding painful feelings. > > What is meaningful is what is really going on with you? How are you doing? Are you avoiding your feelings? >
Everything I have read from you is from your head...>
---It's startling to hear someone say this because I am realizing more and more lately that I do that, especially since finding this board. I know it somehow, that I speak only from the head and bypass the heart and gut, and probably even miss opportunities to bond with people because of it. But even tho I know I'm doing something to that effect, I don't know what it is, as to me it will look like I put an emotion to paper exactly as I feel it (like in my last two "chapters"). But somehow I know I don't come across as human and vulnerable.
I have emailed with someone from here about this who has basically said, "Post to say when you feel unhappy! When you feel mad! Post about crummy things that happened to you and how you think they helped mess you up! Post from the gut!" But I guess I have to learn that. I'm quick to think I sound like a whiner and a complainer and so I waste much space and time providing a qualification for every lament I almost let myself get away with just spitting out. To leave a spin on things that "I know I'm responsible in the end no matter what the thing is, and I know x,y,z is the better way to look at it." So I can never just say "Damn it, I hurt!!!" Or "I'm really desperate right now!!!" Which is actually something people probably react a lot better to than how I do it.
So I really don't know how to speak from the heart. But if I were to try to here, it would be something like, I do kind of mean it when I say I feel like it is my karma in this life not to be accepted or cared about if I show my real self. I feel like I am banished to the other side of the wall with a glass to put in my ear and listen with while other people support each other and get things from life, but that it is not for me. Yet I do not believe that it is the whole world's problem instead of my own, and know that it indeed must be something in *me* if I feel that people often don't end up really caring. But since I guess that is what I do see, I conclude that people *are* good, but I am somehow just cursed. And bad.
So I guess I bring on the analyzing and rationalizing out of some kind of resentment almost, and simultaneously hope that at least if people aren't endeared to me and don't want to ((hug)) me, I may be interesting to some of them. Being analytical may be almost a weapon for me at times, with which I can show that there is no Santa Claus. But actually it's probably more like I desperately want someone else to show me there is. But I do not expect happiness to fall in my lap -- I have never leaned on anyone and have been an "island" when I'm unhappy.
And yes, maybe often I want to say something and get something out but am afraid to talk about personal things, if revealing a little of them can go so badly or so uncompellingly. Today I think I have been "explaining" another way in which the options in my own personal world feel bleak and are running out. But maybe all I need to say is the last part, maybe that's how I should talk more often. But I don't think I deserve to say I hurt or something hurt me, in fact I disgust myself when I do, and I don't think I deserve to say I need help or to get it either. Where I grew up, seeking comfort for anything from the stomach flu to an agonizing childhood or adolescent trauma usually met with dismissiveness at best and repulsion, anger or ridicule at worst.
I finally did tell my recent pdoc/analyst (and I was very desperate by the time I started with him) exactly how desperate I was. But by his reaction I gather that he felt showing no reaction -- or maybe even belief -- was better somehow. And in my messed up state this made me believe I am sentenced to being tuned out or my character judged if I ever get honest about how bad I am feeling. And that is exactly what I feared in the first place, and why I didn't want to tell him and had never told anyone else.
I still don't know if I'm getting it or answering the question, but I just suspect somehow these tendencies in me come from feeling like I'm on the other side of plexiglas looking in, with my glass to the wall, and I must make sense of it however I can and try to detach from raw emotions instead...
Thank you so much for asking though, I really do appreciate it, and it speaks volumes to me that it's so obvious I talk from the head only. Maybe that means it's something I can learn to change, to connect with people in better ways. And the most ironic thing is that in real life, I shut myself away and won't give many people the chance to show that they care, or even to know what is really going on with me. I guess I don't really want to know the answer.
poster:spoc
thread:339137
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339318.html