Posted by Dinah on January 21, 2004, at 7:09:37
In reply to Re: So why have I stayed?, posted by naiad on January 21, 2004, at 4:18:05
Oh heavens, no. I'm not thinking of terminating, ever. I asked him yesterday if he was asking the question to find out how he got to be the lucky one who was stuck with me.
I think you're right. The problems didn't start right off. I didn't know what to do in therapy of course, and was nervous. But he did some CBT work that helped my panic attacks. I laughed at how much he sounded like Stuart Smalley sometimes, with pscho-babbley words. But he had helped me. And his voice was very soothing, his demeanor gentle and calm. Although he fell asleep an awful lot.
So there was early relief. Then the depression set in, and I knew I did need help and just didn't know what else to do when the problems started. And once the meds started, my moods were all over the place (or maybe that was meds + hormones + depression). I think he was totally bewildered a lot of times by me. But when I quit, he didn't show any anger, and when I came back he was calm and nonjudgmental. That was an act, I later learned. (I originally wrote that "When he quit, he didn't show my anger..." Freudian slip?)
So there was something inherently calming and safety producing about his voice and manner. And there was the fact that he had helped me early on for me to hold onto in hope that he could help me. And I was in too much trouble in the worst of times to do much to find a new therapist.
Is it that simple? It's astonishing really. That I held on for five years without trust. That he was later able to get past the feelings that I had evoked in him during those five years. Once, after the five years, when he was yet again quoting something I had said to him when I left, I wrote him a letter asking him if he could ever get past the memory of who I had been to see who was sitting in front of him now. And to his eternal credit, he tried. And I think managed to a large extent.
And of course, if he had yelled at me as much then as he does now, I probably wouldn't have stayed. So I should see his yelling as a sign of his connection and comfort with me, I guess. :) Because when he didn't like me, he didn't yell. He fell asleep instead.
I just thought the question was one of those that he either deliberately or inadvertantly sets me to thinking about. Not only about the relationship between us, but how I handle relationships in general.
poster:Dinah
thread:303503
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/303614.html