Posted by tristan318 on October 1, 2003, at 13:48:41
Hi all,
This is my first post and actually my first time seeking help or support of any kind. I apologize for the length.I'll try to summarize the backstory. I have a nice rich history of depression in my family (mother, brother, aunt) but never thought of myself as susceptible. However, all through college I would go through swings up and down -- my professors would ask how I could do such incredible work but be so unreliable, I'd be very social and then completely uninterested, etc. I always thought it was just the way I am, perhaps a weakness in me that I couldn't seem to iron out all the kinks in my life, but all the planning and ritual-making in the world didn't seem to help. But I still did pretty well in my classes, maintained friendships and relationships, worked, etc. so I never considered any type of mood disorder.
I swung into my final semester (spring '02) feeling "in the zone". In March '02 I started working on my thesis 12-16 hours a day, 7 days a week, and sleeping 1-2 hours a night. But as the semester passed, things began to get harder... I fell into my own little world, my "cult of one", and I started to peak and then turn down, but I couldn't stop. When I finished my thesis in May '02 I felt completely drained of all energy -- mental, emotional, creative, etc. -- not surprising at first, but it continued for about three months. I thought of this complete inability to exert myself as just a need for recovery.
When I did start to recover, I began working freelance. Meanwhile, I felt like I was drifting through everything. I went through periods of what I would now call mild depression and hypomania, but at that time I just thought that some days/weeks I "was myself" and others I wasn't. It was never so bad that I couldn't complete my work or interact with friends, until about six months ago. I felt like I had, despite fluctuations, continued a steady slide into a state of complete apathy, of feeling that everything was pointless and insignificant. It wasn't sadness or pain, just emptiness.
I might break out of it for a couple days, but then it would come back. I began to try to will myself out of it. I tried assuming various states of mind, talking myself up, etc. I realized that I could recognize within me at any given time two "people" -- one on the inside (of me) -- "myself" -- who could still enjoy all the aspects of daily life, and one outside, looking at myself and my life and finding it all insignificant. In the worst times, I felt mostly outside myself.
Recently (a week ago) I suddenly flipped to feeling mostly inside and very little outside. I just woke up one day feeling much more able to enjoy my life, more excited about my professional and personal work, interested in friends and romance again, etc. The change was so sudden and unconnected to any identifiable event, I felt I couldn't explain it as I had explained the other mood changes. I talked to a friend who, through personal experience and study, knows quite a bit about mood disorders. She suggested I was bipolar type II or cyclothymic, which shocked me at first but seemed at least possible when I began to read about the disorders.
The obvious next step is to go to a pdoc and get an expert's opinion. Problem is, I am self-employed and have no insurance of any kind, so I can't afford appts and meds anyway. I've been reading a lot on the internet, and I feel that cyclothymia is the more likely possibility, since I don't feel I ever go past mild depression or hypomania (as described on the 4-level mood scales I saw on another site) and since the periods cycle relatively quickly.
I should add that I have had generally negative experiences with both meds and therapists. I took a tri-cyclic antidepressant (Inderol) for frequent migraines five years back and found the drug to be dulling, which I hated. And when my parents divorced four years ago, I saw three different therapists about it but found them mostly useless. Adding this history to my non-insured status, I am not too eager to spend my own money on a gamble; but I realize that I'm largely ignorant of and new to all this stuff, so hence I am here typing (and typing and typing) to all of you.
So a number of questions ensue:
- Are there free or inexpensive counseling services available in the Philadelphia area? I did a web search but didn't find anything.
- If not, could one or two sessions at normal rates provide any worthwhile benefit? Any suggestions for excellent therapists in the Philly area (reachable by public transport)?
- If I do have a mood disorder (or I guess even if I don't), what can I do in the absence of therapy and meds to help control the downs? I don't mind the ups; they can even be beneficial.
- Do all mood stabiliziers bring down the highs as well as bringing up the lows (in general -- I know results vary)? Does "mood stabilizer", by necessity, equal "dullifier"?If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and I appreciate any insight you might have.
poster:tristan318
thread:264745
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/264745.html