Posted by fallsfall on September 28, 2003, at 21:52:07
In reply to I totally give up!!!! I need your help., posted by Eggy on September 28, 2003, at 20:20:39
Eggy,
It would be so nice if our lives could be logical and always move forward. But...
I am concerned that you say: "But if I don't go back to him I know I will kill myself."
Therapists can be very important to us. But one thing that I've learned (OK, I'm still learning it) is that if the emotions I'm feeling are out of proportion to the situation, then my emotions are probably from some time when I was younger - they are just being triggered by the current situation. Let me explain. I saw my first therapist for 8 1/2 years. I left her because I was completely miserable (suicidal) and she didn't seem to understand what was going on at all. I found a new therapist (I've seen him for 3 months now). Two weeks ago I went to a Back to School night, and I was terrified. I was afraid that I would see my old therapist (I had seen her there a couple of years in the past). Then, last week I went to a depression support group meeting. My old therapist had started this group over a year ago. She attended only the first meeting. As I was driving to the group I started panicking - was she going to be there? What was I going to say? What was she going to say? Was she going to break my heart?
Now, let's look at this. I had a professional relationship with my old therapist. She had always treated me professionally. I depended on her a lot - she had the power to hurt me a lot. But panicking over her going to a meeting that she wouldn't be going to? There was no reason for her to go to the meeting. And why could she destroy me by NOT saying particular things? It doesn't make sense. My new therapist said "This is totally out of proportion". And, of course, he is right. He said "This is not about your old therapist, this is about your mother. You can't fix this by talking about your old therapist, you need to talk about your mother". Right again. See, my mother doesn't understand emotions so I felt that she was disengaged from me. My old therapist stopped understanding me (it's a long story), so I felt that SHE was disengaged, too. So the pain that I have over my mother being disengaged shows up when I think about my old therapist. My current pain is about my mother.
So you say: "But if I don't go back to him I know I will kill myself."
That is out of proportion. You have a professional relationship with this man (was there more?). Would you kill yourself if you had to get a new lawyer? or accountant? or real estate agent? There is more to this than just Michael. I don't know what in your past this is bringing up for you, but I really think that it must be bringing something up.
A couple of weeks after I left my old therapist I started feeling better than I had felt in a year and a half. I was able to step back and we started talking about other things. The agony didn't come back until that back to school night. But my new therapist can be objective enough to see what is really happening. I couldn't do this work with my old therapist - I was too tied up needing her, and she had her own issues that made it hard for her to help me.
For me, it was really important to get away from a therapy situation that was too knotted up. In many cases, I think that it is important for people to work things out with the therapist who they are having the problem with. But I think that when the therapy situation is too far out of control (like mine was), or when the patient is out of control (maybe you are, right now?), that an external therapist can be really helpful.
If you don't want to give Michael up forever, maybe you could see your new therapist as a consultant. She could help you get a handle on what is going on with you and Michael, and then you could make a decision about where you should be.
You say so many solid things about Loreta. She is working on your self esteem - that is critical. You feel that she would be better for you (if you can just get this pain to go away). You sound calmer when you talk about her.
Michael made a threat and then backed out. Psychoanalysis is supposed to be bad for Borderline patients. And your emotions for him are so extreme.
Can you talk to Loreta tomorrow before you talk to Michael? Tell her what is going on and ask her what she thinks? Why do you have to call him back tomorrow? What would happen if you called on Thursday instead?
These are such hard decisions. I know. I was in agony, and I never was sure that what I was doing was right. But I know now that it was.
I hope you can make some sense from all of this. Please let me know what you decide.
poster:fallsfall
thread:257482
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/264140.html