Posted by Jost on September 3, 2006, at 14:48:52
In reply to Where do these expectations come from?, posted by Racer on September 3, 2006, at 13:39:30
Okay, look, Racer.
1. I didn't even know that Mme Necker (what a name! That's not no French name!) was Mme de Stael's mother,. okay. Not to mention her casket, or that is her casket built for three.
2. Battles of the Revolutionary War? Um the Boston Tea Party? uh, Battle of Bunker Hill? Nathan Hale.... er... Give me Liberty..... er um Madison's wife (gender equality) ...Lousisiana Purchase..... Jacksonian Democracy.... Railroads..... ......... sputter.....
and remember that I got a 4 on the Advanced Placement History Test in HS, after not having done the reading and being sure I had gotten about a 2. 4 ain't great-- but it was good enough for an A at my HS. (whew.)
3. Twelve Caesars? Um Caesar, Caesar, Caesar, Caesar, and Caesar..... etc.
4. You are smart enough, you have done enough with the smarts you have, you aren't fat (I saw the photo, so don't think I dont' know what I"m talking about), your arms are not too short, I like big noses and specifically am annoyed that I don't have one, I have this little squished down one, your hair probably isn't too thin, but get a perm, or those things, um that they sew in, you are not lumpy, you don't know more than most people around you--oh, I forgot, you do-- and please, do not remind me of my Genu Valgum (why does that always look like "vulgam"?)
Bottom Line:
Racer, you have to come to terms with the fact that you are cursed with self-consciousness. Self-consciousness is a thing like Proteas, on that Island with whoever (Odysseus, I guess). You've got to take hold of it, slippery and powerful and unremitting, and unwilling, and fighting against you, as it may be-- or you can't get home.
You can start by taking one word out of your sentence: the word "Good."
It is not that you are not "good" enough-- it is that you don't feel that you are enough. But you are enough. How can you not be? You know that you're an amazing person. You're got to grapple with that knowledge, and subdue it, so you can be at peace. You have to face it. You have to stop egging proteas on by saying I'm too smart (and therefore coulda been a contender), but not smart enough (or I would always get 100% and not have to study, and not ever worry, except a tiny bit-- sound just a little like your mother's voice, by the way)-- and I'm short and have short arms, and am lumpy, or have genu valgum, or a big nose, and gray hair, and it's thin on top of that and my mother didn't like it that I knew more about Mme Necker than she did, but she also thought I shoulda known whatever she wanted me to know whenever she wanted me to know it, and not know whatever she didn't want me to know whenever she didn't want me to know it......... ad ad ad ad in in in in fin fin fin fin itumitumitummmmmmm.
No one who is not enough could possibly come up with all that. (About which I would say more, except I've said enough -- also have to go, right now)
But I want you to do what I want to do, which is start thinking but I also want to do so many things: a,b,c,d,e,f,..... and I've got all this energy, and over time, I'm going to learn to do them, damn it.
Jost
poster:Jost
thread:682714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/682740.html