Posted by Jost on August 28, 2006, at 23:00:40
In reply to Re: Goals for Monday: update, posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 20:47:37
Well, if I had goals, I didn't accomplish them, unless they were sitting around feeling kind of sick. Maybe it's a minor virus, or end of summer slump. Or no sleep.
Had a nightmare last night. One of the few since beginning Emsam, ie early May. Can't remember it, but it was much more fantastical than my bad dream of the othernight. Probably had to do with my "co-worker"-- since that's the main thing on my mind. Although things here are also on my mind. Maybe merged together.
L (not LL, just L, my co-worker) and I had originally scheduled today, and I had emailed her twice last week, cancelling today and rest of month, if she didn't have times I could do. Both emails asked her to get in touch right away. Didn't hear anything. She's gotten back to me promptly before. So two emails and a week was out of character.
Then, she came today and rang the bell, and called from somewhere, I assume to say she was in the neighborhood. Since I wasn't dressed--and felt sick, and completely out of sorts, and afraid to be pressured by her, since I always cave--I didn't answer the door. After a few minutes of extreme guilt, I turned the phone off. Guess that's really bad.
She sent me a rather indignant email, saying I should have called her if I was changing at the last minute. Thing was, it wasn't the last minute, and we've scheduled everything by email for several months, and never used the phone.
I can't work with her, because rapport is too important in being able to work. That's where I'm really weak. I want, or need, the person to want to be there, to be committed to working-- even if it's not their work. It's hard to explain.
She also said that she was trying to work out times that would work for me. Bottom line, I don't believe her.
If that were at all true, she would have emailed a week ago, saying she what she said today-- that she was trying to work on the schedule-- Even as it was, she only offered me two times, both this week, one of which I can't do because I've already scheduled something else a long time ago.
I should have gone to the door. I should have been able to say, L, we can't work together anymore-- you defaulted on your commitment from early on, which reduced our time a lot, and now it's become clear that you aren't being straight with me. So this is it. I'm sorry. Thanks for your effort so far.
Period. End of story.
Unf. that's not something I can do. Emsam or no Emsam.
Life might be a zero-sum game, and if so, I'm playing for the other side.
I'm going to bed. I'm going to take a bunchof xanax, Ambien, neurontin, carisoprodol, and anything else I can think of that might help me get to sleep.
Tomorrow someone whom I agreed to try working with (I try it for a day or two or more) is very likely going to call either at 9 am or right before noon, or 45 minutes before she's supposed to be here (best guesses), saying that a) she unexpectedly got a great job that precludes our working, b) her grandmother died (sorry, but I've gotten that so much, for some reason), c) her rehearsal went much longer than she expected, and she can't make it-- and never call back or d) something else to that effect.
I'm pretty sure, because she seemed not to realize until after accepting, some very important aspects of the job, that she also seemed not too happy about.
My goal for tomorrow is not to get too obsessed with that whole thing.
I'm not at all grumpy with you, Ll. I appreciated your words today.
I almost order a lot of stuff online today, including some boots, on clearance--inspired by Ll. Then someone saw what I was ordering, and said, Do you Really Really Want those boots that much????? Person thinks I have way too many boots--a point made rather frequently. I happen to love boots, esp 10" work boots, esp vintage-- although these weren't-- Person thinks boots are a waste of money. I said--um Not Really. Then person, feeling somewhat guilty, said--well you should buy them, if you want them. Then I decided not to buy them, because if I didn't like them (and you can't tell, since they aren't vintage), I'd never hear the end of it.. But I got UV sunglasses-with light blue lenses. Just cause. Maybe I should have gotten the orange, or pink lenses?
Jost
poster:Jost
thread:676622
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/681048.html