Posted by Dinah on January 25, 2005, at 11:22:14
This came up with my son very recently. And will undoubtedly come up again. But it occurred to me in a mental review of the Admin board that it's a useful concept to keep in mind.
It's a reminder that apologies need to be more than mere words. They are a reminder that substance matters. The fact that they are a formula does not make the application of them insincere. It's merely a reminder, that's all.
Responsibility, Remorse or Regret, and Repair. The three R's of apology. Taking responsibility - offering reasons is ok, considering them excuses isn't taking responsibility. Repair is the hardest part to fashion.
So with my son, it'd be something like:
I spoke without thinking [a reason but no excuse], and I said something that I should never have said [taking responsibility]. I am really sorry if my words hurt you. (Because with little boys assuming hurt is a huge no-no even if copious tears are flowing. With an adult it could probably be changed to "I am truly sorry for hurting you.") [Remorse] Would you like to come play spiderman with me and the guys? [Repair]
He's working on putting it in little boy words.
It can be easily modified with no loss of sincerity to situations where there was a misunderstanding or where no harm was intended, and there is no wish to admit to an intent to harm since none was present.
While I had no intention of saying XXXXX, and would never dream of saying XXXXX, I perhaps didn't express myself well enough. I am honestly sorry that you were hurt, however unintentionally, by my words. I'll try to consider what I say more carefully in the future so that my meaning is clearer. And I will absolutely make clear that I don't think XXXX at all. In fact I think YYYYY.
And it can even be modified to authority figures who don't wish to lose authority.
I really thought about this action (or lack of action) and decided it was the right course of action for the board (for example - smile) because of the following reasons (brief or lengthy explanation inserted here). However, I realize that although I do my best to do what I believe is in the best interests of the board, I also realize that my actions sometimes cause distress to a poster or posters. [Responsibility] They have clearly caused distress to you (or many of you) in this instance, and I sincerely regret that. [Regret] While I don't feel I can repair things in the way that you would wish, I do want to tell you that the community values you and I value you (if possible insert something personal here about humor or wit or kindness) and I hope that this matter doesn't affect your continued relationship with the community unduly.
I'm sorry for the schoolteachery presentation of this. It's kind of necessary when you're drilling these concepts in a little boy's head, and it's hard to get out of that mode.
And perhaps it's not useful at all. But I thought I'd offer it.
poster:Dinah
thread:447407
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20050116/msgs/447407.html